the life and musings of a kinky slut

Burning the House Down

I overreact, especially when it comes to anything going on with my SO and I. I know this. And because I know this, I try to not rush to judgment on us. I try.

But, I just don’t know if we are going to have a “happily ever after.” And before you think I am being naive, I am not talking about perfection. I know there is no perfect. I’m talking about a happy, healthy relationship where both partners feel fulfilled in the situation. That is my happily ever after.

So to the rub. My SO has very poor financial habits. Previously, my SO spoke about us getting a home together. I, being cautious, have always put “if” in front of statements concerning anything about home buying. I didn’t want to possibly jinx the situation, but I always remained truthful and earnest.

I made an appointment for us to talk about the particulars of home buying after I finished taking notes on a comprehensive book about the subject. I wanted to know what I was talking about before I delved into this. I mentioned it on a Wednesday. We were to talk on Saturday.

So the day comes, we talk about it, and my SO says they’re not in the position currently to move forward with this. I ask if my SO plans to stay in the current roommate situation we deal with at their place (crying children and an unfinished basement). My SO indicated no desire to follow the current roommates to their new home, and us getting an apartment together would be good.

All this is logical and satisfactory, except for what came before and after the apartment compromise. Me wanting a house is not enough. My SO needs to want this as much as I do. Of course, this just is not so. My SO, in fact, seems to care about very little when it comes to finances, which frustrates me to no end.

My SO owes about $1500 to the MVA for back insurance payments. Since I’ve been in this relationship, my SO has haphazardly paid off this debt, and the end is near (it was previouly much larger). Unfortunately, my SO incurred yet still more unnecessary debt by not having health insurance and needing an appendix removed at 2am one very long and scarey night. My SO’s medical bills now total around $10,000.

It is not the debt that worries me. It is the nature of the way my SO deals with it. Rent being my SO’s only bill (and not in his name but paid to friends), my SO doesn’t feel the need to take this debt seriously. It isn’t that it will never be repaid, for the want is there. But the poor habits of not paying every month or any consistency whatsoever is infuriating. In the time we’ve known each other, my SO could have paid down so much of that debt. It would have never gone to collections, and, even if it had, my SO would still have the credit record of earnestly trying to rid the blemish.

Instead, in our Saturday conversation, I heard an attitude that does not gel with my tendencies. I heard procrastination and denile. I heard all the things no one wants to hear from someone they are thinking of tying themselves to for life.

I couldn’t understand how a 37 year old could have such poor habits. I have the life experience of seeing a parent cut up cards in a trash can to understand the importance of good credit. I pay around eight bills a month. My SO pays one. And yet I am in a better situation? This does not make sense to me.

I was listening to a public radio program where the financial expert said all married couples should join their personal finances. If not, they would always have a “safety net” in case the relationship dissolved, thereby never fully committing to it in the first place. Sitting in my car, as my SO was in the convience store buying cigarettes and soda, I knew I would never have my finances tied to this person unless they changed drastically.

So I’m left with the thought of our demise clouding me. I intend on getting the two bedroom apartment for the simple fact of finance: it would cut my monthly rent by $400. And I know, even if we no longer are a pair, I could still live there. We are friends, if nothing else. And I can’t assume my SO won’t change in the time between our cohabitation and my decision to end it, “it” being either the relationship or the lease.

The road I have been on with my SO has never been easy. So much has changed, yet so much remains the same. I am constantly worried something I will say will bring a truth from those lips I will not like and will find myself with abundant reason to leave. And yet, I always want to stay.

I can’t burn the house down, even with this fire smoldering. I have to give my SO the benefit of the doubt, a chance to prove my fears wrong. I know there is a good chance the simple fact I am “testing” my SO will doom me to an ending I will not like.

For now, I just want a roommate in a nice apartment that I know and like, even if this person turns out to not be the love of my life.

Categorised as: Emotional

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