the life and musings of a kinky slut


I woke up angry and upset today because of a situation caused by my SO. My SO, who knows I need constant reassurance because of my emotional issues, calls me once I get off work yesterday and says, “I want to be alone tonight; I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.” No warning and no explanation given, I babble some okays and the conversation is ended.

My first reaction was to be upset, almost ready to cry. Did I do something wrong? Was my SO offended by a stupid incident we had last night? (Aside: I keep a small pair of scissors in my robe. We were on my couch, my head in my SO’s lap. They notice and pull out the scissors. I feel a pull on my hair and say, “Don’t you dare cut my hair.” My SO reacts by saying, “Do you really think so little of me?” My response, “You pulled scissors out of my robe and I felt you pulling on my hair.” It’s stupid and ridiculous, but it was the first thing that came to mind when I started to think my SO’s self imposed isolation may have been my fault.)

My next reaction, about thirty seconds later, was full on I-want-to-kick-some-ass anger. My toothbrush, my hair brush, my deodorant, and other important items are sitting by my SO’s bed because I was not given any warning. No explanation, just a phone call. How is that fair? How is that caring? How is that reassuring? It’s not.

As a person who is trying to wrestle with emotional issues and find a better way to deal with the feelings inside me, I thought I did really well choosing to not go to his work and yell at him or call him while I was angry and scream profanities.

All kidding aside, I mostly felt like I was put in an impossible situation. Either I bow to my SO’s desire and spend the night worrying and upset or I call and leave myself open for the clingy partner assault. I felt betrayed. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face.

It is our plan to move in together towards the end of the year. What happens when this urges comes over my SO then? Being as the apartment we want to live in is 35 minutes away from work and my SO has no vehicle, will I be asked to drive home silently and not speak for the rest of the night? Will my SO just not come home, leaving me wondering where they are all night?

My SO’s actions do not breed trust, they breed fear. They do not breed understanding, they breed resentment. How are we to keep sharing a life together when I am left feeling tossed aside? I love my SO, but this is the type of behavior that makes me worry about my choice to stick it out and baby step our way to the life I want for us, the life I thought we both wanted.

So that is how I’ve spent the past 16 hours. My SO didn’t call when they got home, like they said they would. A text message sent at 9pm got me a two word answer, confirming at least my SO is alive and was walking to their home. There has been no other contact since.

I’m sad, but, mostly, I’m angry. I know tonight I will try to not be mad. I will try to explain why I believe my SO handled yesterday in a poor manner and, with my SO, try come up with a way to better handle the situation should these feelings come up again. Mostly, I’m trying to keep it together. I’ve already gotten upset about a simple task at work, transferring my frustration from one situation to another, which is not productive nor is it mentally healthy.

I don’t want to feel this way, yet my SO has done this to me. WTF!

Yelling is too good of an excuse to give my SO. I don’t want to yell. I want to get my point across and correct the situation. I don’t want a blow out, but my anger is so great currently, I’m finding it difficult to keep things in perspective.

For now, I’m just trying to breathe. Just breathe and some how make it through my work day in hopes that I will get an explanation of why I’m being treated in such an unfair manner.

Categorised as: Emotional

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One Comment

  1. Johanna says:

    Sounds like a lot going on here…

    I wonder if it would have helped to try to bypass the follow-up feelings altogether by throwing your concerns out there (in a non-clingy way) when he first told you he wanted to be alone? It’s hard to do when you are upset, but it might have given you some answers that could have made things better. And maybe there could have been some space for compromise (like doing separate things in the apartment but still being together, or you going over for a little bit or you going over late after he had had some alone time or whatever)

    The line “Either I bow to my SO’s desire and spend the night worrying and upset or I call and leave myself open for the clingy partner assault. I felt betrayed,” makes me wonder if there are any alternatives or a way to get to those alternatives in your relationship. Like is there a way for him to ask for / have his way without it feeling for you like “bowing down”… and/or is there a way for you to talk to him about how you feel without ultimately feeling (or being told that you are) clingy? Is there space for him to say “You know, tonight is really just a night I want to spend hanging out alone” and for you to say “that REALLY sucks, I was looking forward to tonight, but maybe we can do something tomorrow night?” or something like that?

    You have a great point about the “we’re going to be living together” thing and you really should find time (either when you have a conversation about all of this or later on) to address it. He might actually really need there to be nights when he (or you) goes out for a little bit — there are times I strongly encourage Chole to go out just because I want some chill time. It’s important to figure out at least generally how that will be handled so neither of you feel put out..

    I’m sorry this is a long and preachy practical-sermon… there is a lot that you have written!! could say more but will shut up and hope some of it gives something else to think about or at least to argue with 🙂 🙂