* You want me to be honest?
– Yes. And no bullshit. The word ‘rejection’ better not cross your lips.
* Hmm… Well, beyond rejection. Beyond failure. Beyond loneliness and heartache, the usuals.
* The thing I fear the most is… the dark.
– The dark?
* The dark.
* Yes. In case the power goes out, I keep a flashlight right beside my bed. It’s one of those crank ones, so it never runs out of battery. And before you ask, yes, I do sleep with a night light.
– A night light?
* I strung up some Christmas lights in my bedroom. They’re plugged into the outlet controlled by the wall switch. It’s diffuse, soft; I’m lulled in the dim glow each night. I used to have them strung up all over my apartment, but slowly they burnt out. So now just in my bedroom, the place I need them the most.
– Why the dark?
* Because. Because I don’t know what’s in it. Because I don’t want to know what’s in it. Because I don’t know what waits for me there. Because I can’t see, can’t defend myself. Because I can’t even run away; what if I’m running right to it, the monster in the dark? Is it right behind me? Right beside me? It’s the most basic, most base, most gut churning “this must stop” fear I have.
– [short pause] Wasn’t expecting that. Different.
* I’m special. So what’s yours?
– Excuse me?
* What’s your greatest fear?
– No no, we’re talking about you tonight.
* And why is that?
– This is the getting to know you phase, so I’m getting to know you. What’s the happiest day of your life?
* [pause] I don’t know.
– Pick a day, above all days, that means the most to you.
* I can’t. I just can’t.
– Pick one.
* I can’t. [pause] Everyday, everyday I can think of, everyday I’m suppose to love is marred by a moment of hurt. I can’t pick a day; I haven’t had my happiest day yet.
– Okay, then pick a moment. A single moment of happiness.
* [grins, shakes head] No, I don’t want to pick that one.
– What one?
* It’s too…no.
– Just say it.
– Say it.
* Fine. [sighs] It was a night with my Ex. We sat on the back patio of our apartment. It was a cool summer evening. Cool, but not cold. Almost perfect. He sat sipping his bourbon. I sipped on a beer. My legs were draped over his lap. He lazily rubbed my thighs. I slumped back and closed my eyes while he looked out on the parking lot watching the last bits of sunlight fade away. We had just had some really great sex, I mean really great sex, after arguing half the day, I don’t remember about what. It was that moment that I thought, Yeah, this is it. This is what I want. Of course that turned out to be bullshit. I was high off the two hours of wild fucking and had no idea we would break up in about a month. But right there, right then, I, we were good. So what’s the happiest day of your life?
– [huffs a laugh] Nice try.
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