As I drove in my car, having just picked up Gray from the airport, I asked him what his expectations for Rope Camp were, specifically surrounding how we would interact.
“Well if you wanted to be in service to me it would be helpful, but it would only be for the duration of camp.”
“Ah…no. No no no. No. No.”
So… my problem with the idea of being in service to anyone:
It is very obvious that, most times, I acted in a service bottom manner. My latest catchphrase is, “Happy to be helpful.”
I like asking if I can clear people’s plates, holding doors for people, helping Gray with his classes, carrying things. I like, truly like, being helpful.
However, a big part of my enjoyment is my having the choice to offer my service but always having the option of not doing so. I have to be able to say no, anytime, for any reason, period.
I suspect this has to do with my relationship attachment style. Doc and I came to the conclusion that I am anxious/avoidant when it comes to connecting with people.
I am so fucking independent. I need to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want. Otherwise I feel trapped, and I suspect I would grow resentful.
In this is a fatal flaw simply because I want a Daddy/Dominant/Sir. I want a life partner who is in charge, period. How the fuck am I suppose to accomplish that when I can’t let go? I want to be in control, and yet be controlled.
Once, at some meal this week at Rope Camp, I offered to take Gray’s plate. I’d been doing it since we’d gotten to camp, along with checking in with him, making sure he had things for his classes, and other very service subby activities.
Instead of the usual “Thank you” and my taking of his plate, he stood and said, “No thanks, I’ve got it. I need to learn to be more self reliant. Besides, what happened to, ‘No no no’?”
I will not lie: I felt like shit at that moment. Not because of Gray or what he said, but because I wanted to pick up his plate. I wanted to be helpful to him. I wanted to perform that service.
Is there such a thing as service lite? What about service with caveats? Service with the option to say no?
Because I like being helpful. I like being there for him. I like clearing his plate.
And yet, when he asked me, and even when I think on it now, it scares the shit out of me, the thought of being in service to, well, anyone.
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