It hit me all at once.
I was sitting downstairs, one of my textbooks open, my notecards to my right, along with my pen and sharpie. I was cold; there is about a ten degree difference between floors in my house. I was trying to focus, reading material I presumed would be covered during my first day of class and creating flashcards for any key concepts I suspected would be important.
Class. School. Dedicated learning. All over again. Was I up for this?
Worry and fear burst forth like a broken dam. Maybe I wasn’t as smart as I used to be. Maybe I wasn’t going to be that kid anymore. The one who sets the curve. The one who knows the answer. The one who makes it seem so easy, makes it seem like their brain is a sponge for all the knowledge the teacher has to offer. The one everyone hates because she’s that good.
What if this, going back to college, setting myself on this path, is a mistake? What if I crash and burn, fail horribly, laughably? What if this is just a pipe dream, a flight of fancy, a waste of time, money, and energy? What if it’s too late for me to be that woman in a lab coat, that person helping those people? What if I got this all wrong?
I thought about backing out. I could drop my classes now with a full refund. I could return my books, no problem. I only purchased maybe $25 in stationary; no big loss there.
But then I thought about work, about going back to my job knowing that was all there is, knowing my life would once again center around a profession I no longer loved, doing work I no longer cared for. Yes, I would still have my writing, but I will always have my writing. I knew my writing wouldn’t be enough to pull me from the doldrums sinking myself back into my work-abyss would cause.
The thought of going back, of giving up, of not trying, hurt more than the fear and worry that held me as I sat in that chair staring at the pages of text I still had to read.
Tomorrow is the first day of classes. Whether I fall on my face or soar to the heavens, I’m going for this. Whether I succeed or fail, shine or sour, I have to try.
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