All of today, I was two deep breaths away from sobbing.
I know my family and friends couldn’t make it because of money, work, time restraints, and the general hassle of traversing hundreds of miles to get to me, but being among so many people who got to share today with their family and friends was hard.
Even though I knew they couldn’t, I wanted my family to be there.
Today was hard.
My new friends made it better. There is a serious emphasis on our group gelling, becoming rocks we can each lean upon. Without my new friends’ love, I would’ve fallen apart on multiple occasions. I am so grateful for the people I’ve met and with whom I get to share these next few years.
Just like today, tonight was difficult. I’m in the curious situation of being “out” but not “free”. There is maybe one other person in my cohort who is queer, I think. My friends know I’m kinky, but most of them are coupled up and have no interest in that part of my life.
[Side Note: It’s a little freaky how I am the hot-vanilla-who-has-a-partner whisperer. I can think of four different people who are my good friends, so very fucking sexy, and are either married or in a committed-long-term-heading-towards-the-altar relationship. I don’t know why I am their catnip, but it’s a thing.]
I’m so horny and so starved for touch, embrace, love in forms other than hot dirty sex (though I really miss hot dirty sex too. I haven’t fucked since before I moved. To be perfectly honest, this part of my journey didn’t click until I got here. I’m a filthy fucking slut in the midst of average folk. I am so thirsty for some good dick. So unbelievably horny and at a loss to figure out how to get laid without complicate what I came here to do. Yah girl has needs that a Hitachi can subside for only but so long).
Hmm, where was I?
So tonight I had a lot of fun, and damn near cried in a crowd full of people I didn’t want to cry in front of because that would’ve been super awkward.
Along with my couple charms, I have also noticed that a few hot single people have floated into my orbit. And, of course, that are not interested in me. Seeing your crushes grind against women who are smaller, darker, and prettier that you is pretty tough. Throw in alcohol, horny thoughts, and homesickness, and you’ll understand why I had to leave the party earlier than I planned.
Like, for real? Either the one’s I like don’t like me back OR their coupled up and I’m left dry. You’re girl is pretty resentful and hurt about her current circumstance. It feels like they are politely using me. They flock to me to help them with class and studying, but no one just wants me for me. I’m great for quizzing you on the material, but none of ya’ll fools is looking to wife me or put a tiny human in my belly.
Once again, I’ve swung back to feelings of unworthiness and doubt. Another chorus of my loneliness and heartache. Well, if nothing else, I am consistent.
I cried in the car on the way home tonight. I thought coming here would be great, and academic-wise it’s been excellent, but I’m still the fat friend no one wants to love. And that fucking sucks.
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