http://benemersongolfperformance.com/magazine-articles/ I ran home. I ran home as fast as I could because being in medical school hundreds of miles away is so fucking hard. And for my efforts, I was rewarded.
The unexpected long weekend home coincided with an event my friends ran, and a lovely time I did have.
One of my new kink friends named my experience LoungeCon since I spent pretty much all my time just chilling in the lounge area with whoever appeared. From my relaxed take on the weekend, I ended up conditioning a friend’s leather jacket, had another friend pull on my hair, and was able to give two other folks peaceful rope scenes.
I met new folks and grew a new crush (of course), but got no contact info which was probably a good idea. Raptor is like catnip: he’s a quietly attractive low key white guy with an easy smile, is poly, and already in a relationship. At the time, when he had to cancel our cuddle date, I was sad. Now, though, rational brain has kicked in, pointing out that it’s better for me to not so easily fall into such an old habit. Maybe I’ll see him again someday, but probably not.
Still, there was glitter eyeshadow, huge laughs, so many hugs. And there were plans for seeing friends in the future. Surrounded by loving and caring people was just what I needed.
I arrived at the event Friday night, then ran away to the city Sunday night. I slept in a hotel room with the best friend about 30 miles north of the event. We chatted, cuddled, and commiserated. We checked in, and then did nothing, so yeah it was perfect. I dropped him off at his girlfriend’s apartment in the morning, then masturbated alone in the hotel room before starting the rest of my long Presidents’ Day Monday.
Next was a quick visit to see my Mom at work. I sipped coffee and nibbled on a biscotti as she and her work friends gabbed about their job. I smiled, happy to just hear her laugh.
After “breakfast” with Mom, I swing by to see my younger brother. We ate Chipotle as he spilled the tea on family members I barely see. We’re okay. Other folks… Well let’s just say I know who not to ever lend money to now, so I guess that’s good.
I ended Monday with Dreds. Dreds is an old work friend that has stayed my friend even after I left for school. She lets me crash at her place in her huge very luxurious bed whenever I’m in town. And, honestly, I kinda have a crush on her. She’s so confident, so kind, but also strong and on her shit. I always respected her when we worked together, and, to be honest, whenever I had a gig with her I was always happy. I guess we were friends before and I just didn’t realize it til I had to go.
Anyways, so she’s mad chill. We watched Netflix in her ginormous bed, divulged the messiness of our respective lives, and joked about getting a house together when I’m a Doctor. Yeah, I have a crush on Dreds. That night, we went to go see Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. We also watched To All The Boys I Loved Before. Simple great night.
I fell asleep late, woke up stupid early, and then drove back to school to make it to my 5:30pm class Tuesday evening.
In class, I was exhausted, and kinda loopy out of it. We had a role play scene for a training and I participated and I kinda freaked people out cause I’m a much better actor then I ever let people know. Tears and everything. One of my classmate friends was my partner and I think I freaked him out a little and I apologized after but he said it was good cause he may have a patient who has that kind of reaction and he appreciated having to help a person going through an emotional crisis. (Right, forgot to mention the training was on suicide prevention.)
So yeah, Friday to Tuesday. So much to do. And did. But, of all the people I contacted to try to see, the only person that didn’t come through, didn’t respond, was completely silent was Gent.
Friday was Valentine’s Day. I avoided all the emotional bullshit that comes with being single on that day. Turns out it is an excellent travel day, even on a Friday. There was no traffic. I spent my ten hour ride listening to podcasts and the occasional hit music station. I made excellent time and enjoyed my trip.
On the way back, I also realized that leaving at 4:30am makes for a great travel experience. Avoidance of all rush hours. I drive my dark hours up front, so I end up traveling in the light for most of the trip. It worked out well.
And it’s not until now, a week later, that I’ve allowed myself to unpack the nagging curiosity about his silence.
Did he forget?
Did he not care?
Did he propose?
Did something come up?
So much of our interactions feel like I’m either at his beck-and-call or just not thought of at all. It’s frustrating, yet what right do I have in this situation? Beyond the basic curtesy of friendship, which even then friends get back to you, let you know what’s up. I just…
Absence makes me annoyed, angry, aggrieved, bothered, concerned, dealing with shit I shouldn’t have swirling in my head.
Gonna close that box and put it back away. Because good things are happening in my life right now. And the machinations of one fine ass black man should not change the way I act, feel about, or treat myself.
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