~ a fictional thought exercise ~
How is your heart today?
How so? Please, elaborate.
Okay, it’s like this. I feel too much. I remember and I feel and I confuse what was with what is and what could be. And then my mind starts spinning out numerous scenarios trying to game out what ifs and I feel feelings about those maybes and the too much becomes even more. So yes, I’m burdened with all of my feels, too much.
Did you know that’s a trauma response?
Yes. You try to predict scenarios so you can be ready for them, but they never actually come true, and instead you occupy your mind with these false futures instead of dealing with your difficult now.
What is my difficult now, Doc?
That’s my question, so I’ll reflect it back to you. What are the difficulties that your mind is actively running away from?
Well, there are always the greatest hits. That I’ll never be good enough. This or that enough. That I’ll never have what others have even though I know comparing myself is never fair to myself. Fears of failure, loneliness, and despair. Inadequacy. Ineptitude. Independence translating into isolation and eventual endings, evaluating where and how I got it all wrong.
We know these, have heard these, and have worked to dispel them from your mindset. What plagues you today, in this moment, at this very second?
The memory of the sounds when we last fucked. The scent of his cum on the rag he left in the bathroom. His face when he turned to me one last time before he left. I want to go back there, stay there, be there.
You are there. You’re trapped there. But this is not there. This is here. You are here. Be here.
But I don’t want to be.
Well it’s my job to make you. So, be in this moment, on that couch, talking to me. Whining about dick.
Okay Doc, harsh much.
Honest, always. Ask yourself these questions: Will it ever change? Will what you have ever be more, ever be enough? Is this what you really want?
I don’t want to answer those questions.
I know. But you have to.
Not yet. Not today. A reprieve? For one more day, one more session, one more moment where my silly dreams are just a little less silly. Just once more, with all my feelings.
Okay, next time. Think on it. Sit with it. And then speak the truth, the hard real truth, your truth to me next week.
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