the life and musings of a kinky slut


~ a poem ~

Everything about him sparked something
in me.

One summer, on a warm weekend (almost) night,
with the smoke from the grill scenting the air,
and the boom box busting lyrics
I’ve known but heart since middle school,
raising everyone up on their feet.

The sway of my family,
a gaggle of my cousins,
only a few by blood,
and folks with more grey in their hair
than years in their age,
swelled my heart to bursting.

And then he walked in,
just as the cookout
came to its crescendo.
Somehow, as if on cue.

His hips were like water.
I, like an acolyte,
joined the line of girls
those hips found in their sway.

The smell of burnt herb and his body musk
lingered after our five second dance.
The droplets on his back
caught the falling rays
of the overdue evening.
I licked my lips,
holding back my urge
to drink them up.

And then the beat dropped,
and we all got in our lines
ready for the ritual
of every joyful gathering
before or since.
Babies who couldn’t yet walk
were held up by their mother or grandmother.
This was our community, our communion.

He lined up beside me.
I popped my hips a little more,
shimmied a little deeper,
smiled the whole time.

“Go on, girl,” he hooted.
Oh, I will.

After the electric slide,
he hands slid to my sides.
I popped my hips left, right.
I swung my hair side to side,
the way over.


And then jumped up
and ran to my mother,
hoping my whopping
would at least wait
until after everyone had gone home.

I didn’t care.
I sat beside her,
looked back at him,
and grinned.
It was well worth it.

Grasping Onto Friendship

I’ve been feeling introspective as of late. We are in the phase of studying for our big test where we are on our own. Decide your own schedule, completely free.

With this freedom comes the same old emotional demons I’ve been wrestling with since practically conception. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Discounting my accomplishments. Downplaying my awesomeness. Pretty much on brand usual Green Eyes bullshit.

Enter Brain Twin.

Brain Twin has been a bright spot in my current academic marathon. Brain Twin is smart and kind and funny. And, of course, Brain Twin has a girlfriend.

I accept and ignore this fact each time we interact because I both respect their relationship but also like not caring how I act around Brain Twin.

Flash forward to today. Another helpful prep session. Discussions about third and fourth year and planning out career moves. Practice questions reviewed. All the normal highlights.

But then we got off on a tangent about queer healthcare. And Brain Twin’s pansexual friends. And Brain Twin’s girlfriend, who is also pansexual. And in this conversation I am both elated and flattened, because it was yet more confirmation.

Brain Twin checks all my boxes. This is a literal statement. I found a file I named “Ideal Man” which, I shit you not, is basically a description of Brain Twin before I ever met Brain Twin.

So yeah, that.

As our session ended, I made my usual awkward exit, and, somehow, I fumbled out a “we should be friends beyond you helping me for this test” type deal.

Still awkward duckling. Still so painfully lonely. Still wanting what I can’t have.

But distractions are nice. And friends are nice, too.

Grasping onto friendship, cause otherwise I’d scream. Or cry. Or probably both.

4.28.2019 Grasping Onto Friendship

Two Poems, Same Boy

Brain Twin was on my mind tonight.
He randomly called me for some advice.
I guess this means we are friends.
But any interaction with him has me all
twitterpated as of late.

So, poetry.

[NOTE: They are in picture form because
WordPress doesn’t respect my tabs.]


4.26.2019 Two Poems, Same Boy

Another one bites the dust

He said he’s thinking about getting back with his old girlfriend.

His playful middle school banter, as of late, wasn’t flirting.

Once again, I feel like shit for hoping for something that’s not gonna happen.

I’m glad I set up a counseling session before today. I was already feeling stress from school. Add on the mountain of loneliness I’m currently carrying around, and yeah, I need to talk to someone about it.

Every day I battle back that voice inside me that says I’ll always be alone, I’ll never be loved, have never been worthy of love.

On days like today, that voice is louder, and it hurts more.

We’re in Psych right now. It’s crazy (poor choice of words) how much I can see of myself in the immature ego defenses (passive aggression, acting out, undoing).

Also how accurate Doc’s diagnosis was of mild Borderline Personality Disorder (fear of abandonment, shifting self image, occasional mood swings, splitting, feelings of emptiness). 

Talking to Doc helped a lot. I hope this new counselor can help too.

Shit, it’s so fucking frustrating. I keep meeting these intelligent attractive men, all of them are cool being friends, but no one wants to be with me. Not fuck me, but be with me. It makes me wanna fucking scream all the time.

I want a partner. I want afternoon snuggles on chilly days and stupid jokes only we get and silly conversations about nothing that matters but it matters to us. I want back rubs as I go to sleep and encouragement to go to the gym and someone to cry with when shit gets hard.

I want my partner.

Where the fuck are you?

Brain Twin

I met my brain twin.
I really really like him.
He’s cute, funny, fun,
                and with someone

I met my brain twin.
We got to laughing,
                and being nerdy and cute.
He is my tu-tor.

I met my brain twin.
I really like him.
But this keeps happening.
                They never like me

I met my brain twin.
And I don’t want to hate him,
                but I want him.

So where do I put
                all these feels
                                with no place to go?

2.18.2019_2 Brain Twin

Delayed Dick Report

Subtitle: Three Dicks, Three Fists, and Two Cups of Tea

This dick report is far overdue, seeing as I’ve been back at school for two months, but later is better than never.


Doug tea

I knew I should’ve warned Doug that I was sick before I arrived in town, but I was selfish.  I wanted to see him.  It had been a year since our last meeting, and I missed my friend.  Still, a part of me wondered if he would just turn around as soon as he opened the hotel door and heard my hacking cough across the room.  He didn’t.

We had late night diner food, including a warm cup of Lipton to soothe my poor throat, and diner breakfast the next day. 

There was a quarantine zone in the bed that I could-not-would-not cross.  We chatted about school and life and pharmaceutical companies.  We are such nerds.

He gave me a black handkerchief for my cough.  It smelled like him (cloves and Irish Spring soap). 

We talked A LOT.  After we finished breakfast, we sat in the diner for an extra hour just talking.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I was so worried about the non-sex having that I forgot, in the end, we are good friends, even though we only see each other once a year.

Grade: A+


Gent tea

I had a cup of fragrant blueberry habicus tea.  He got something he did not like.

He wasn’t supposed to be there.  Technically he was still on the clock at his job, but made time to slip away to see me.  It would be the only time I saw him during my break.

His wry smile was still there.  Even in his well-tailored suit, I could still see the cut body underneath.  He sat three feet away from me, yet it was more of a world away.

His girlfriend was now stateside.  Everything was to be different from here on.  But we still had our banter.  He was still encouraging.  As always, I enjoyed the pleasure of his company.

Grade: B+


New Addition to the Ho-tation

I had not had any luck with Tinder.  Most often my attempts at hookups were foiled before I ever saw anyone face-to-face.  This was the magical 1% that worked out, mostly.

He gave a solid 7/10 performance.  Stamina needs to be upped.  Intensity on the right track, but could be better.

I taught him how to fist.  I realized it was the only way I was going to get off.  He did well.  And I love to put on a show, so he enjoyed himself.

I’m open to another encounter when I come home again, maybe.

Grade: C+


Pseudo Best Friend

I didn’t plan on any fucking happening, and in the classic definition of the word we didn’t fuck.  But we’re kinky motherfuckers, so we did some shit.  And it was fun.

He’s very good at listening to my moans, reading my body and reactions, and then proceeding to give me orgasms.  I rewarded his work with some head, just cause.

I keep saying I don’t want to fuck him, and I mean it each time, yet his hand finds a way inside my cunt too often.

Grade: B


Trouble (twice)

I fucked Trouble twice, including Christmas night.  As always, he was delightful.  This time included him going down on me and the closest I’ve come to dirty talk that was damn near dominant.

The words, “You’re not done yet,” actually left my lips.

Trouble knows how to fist and fuck me well, is always receptive to feedback on how to make the sex better, and he even made me breakfast one morning.  I am so grateful for our uncomplicated and lasting friendship with benefits. 

Grade: A

Small Moments

So, I know that I’ve lost weight since starting medical school.  This was by design.  After our month long summer introductory session, I weighed myself. The reading was the heaviest in my life.  A combination of long nights studying and a lack of diet control pushed me to gain those few pounds.  Thankfully, my overpriced rent includes a fairly good gym only a two minute walk from my front door.

Regimenting my life has been a god-send.  I had no idea I could take to a normal schedule so well after spending so much of my life in constant flux.

A year after starting medical school, the scale now read twenty pounds lighter.

The weight did not come off obviously to me.  But I did notice little things.  My quickness going upstairs.  My shrunken appetite.  My somewhat better mood.

And then today, I put on a shirt I haven’t worn in a long time.  It’s a thick sweater-like shirt, with long sleeves and an exaggerated collar.  Previously I didn’t wear it. A little too tight, a little too restricted.  Very annoying.  It fits my aesthetic, but what’s the use in wearing something that makes you so uncomfortable.

But then last night, when choosing my outfit for a semi-professional gathering today, I saw the shirt again.  And I tried it on.  And it finally fit right.

The difference between myself last year and today does not seem so great, but the little things keep me going.

For the past month, though, I’ve been slacking.  I haven’t been to the gym in the morning.  Internally, I started using school as an excuse.  But then, inevitably, one of my friends called me out.  I post my workouts in the morning on Snapchat.  Easy accountability.  He hadn’t seen any.  And I had no excuse.

So back to the gym I go.  Because, frankly, I want to keep losing weight.  And I want to keep having those small moments where I feel just a little bit better about my health, and have a little more hope that my family medical issues might not come to pass.

Cute Stupid Moment

I want him to kiss me.

I want him to randomly show up while I’m studying, come over to my table, pull back my chair, and kiss me.

He has to be the aggressor.  I tutor him.  I can’t cross that boundary.

And I SO want him to cross that boundary.

Lately, I’ve been trying to give myself days off from tutoring.  I slipped right back into my old work habits, over scheduling myself for the past few weeks.  This week, though, I decided I was going to take Wednesday and Friday off.  Except he asked for a session to help him with a difficult class.  And I already knew I had nothing special planned for my Friday night.  So I scheduled him as my only session today.

It ran long and I didn’t even care.  I realized when I checked the time that, if it weren’t for another session after ours, I was just going to keep going.

It was a solo session.  I had him sit beside me, which isn’t odd.  I do that all the time.  I like using my computer to point out structures on e-books.  But it felt different having him sit next to me.

He gave me a piece of gum.  I half hoped it was because he was going to kiss me, but I knew it was just because he’s polite.  And he really likes gum.

As he left, we had this cute stupid moment where I tilted my head back and he put his chin on my forehead.  I know it was just a little endearing gesture to show his affection where he would normally just hug me, but still… it gave me the crush goose bumps.

And then I threw a frustration temper tantrum after the door closed behind him.

Cause I know I can’t pursue it.

And he’s probably got a girlfriend.

And I’m just crushing on a cute boy I once again can’t have.

Dammit, stupid stupid ethics and standards, and the fact that the ratio of guys to girls here is NOT tilted in my favor.

Ok, rambling over.  Back to studying.


Lately I’ve been… distracted.

I sit in class, learning about the wonders of the human body, only to suddenly and spontaneously be mentally taken away.

A bitch is thirsty.  I haven’t had sex since Gent and I last fucked, and the prospects of your girl getting any keep dwindling.

My brain, in an effort to express its frustrations, will randomly posit outlandish escapades with whomever happens to be in the back of my mind.

One classmate pushes me up against the brick wall of our lecture hall, raises my skirt, and fucks me right there, brick brushing and bruising my back.

Another classmate and I, while studying at his apartment, take a break to fuck on his couch, on his floor, and throw in some dirty talk involving ownership of my cunt.

One student who I tutor decides to thank me with making out.

Another of my students cuddles me on a rainy Sunday.  And we’re naked.  You see where this is going.

These fantasy fuck breaks come all at once and without warning.  Recently one took me by such surprise that I had to rush my hand to my face just so I could bite my finger to keep myself from moaning.

I’ve imagined threesomes with two beautiful men who have beautiful eyes and beautiful bodies and want to do horribly beautiful things to me.

Each day walking around, as people pass me in my travels, I’ll randomly tick off who could, or won’t ever, get this pussy.

Tutoring has specifically increased my frustrations.  Being in close intimate contact with attractive intelligent individuals has done wonders for my hope for POC in medicine but also has sky rocketed my libido.

One of the above students I mentioned is the worst.  He is tall, attractive, kind, soft spoken, and kind of all the things right now that would be great in a casual boyfriend.  But, I suspect, he’s dating one of his classmates.  And, more importantly, I CANNOT date anyone I’m tutoring.  The power dynamics would be awkward and the situation would be unethical.

Another student I tutor is a young beautiful woman, also quiet and soft spoken, but she has these eyes that suck me in and a small charming smile.  All I ever want to do is comfort and care for her, but, once again, tutoring her means no to any of the sensuous things I want to do with and to her.  Also, thankfully, she has a boyfriend, so I don’t have to worry about developing feelings, though my libido has other plans in mind.

Dating apps have been dud after dud even as I’ve tried and tried.

All my favs in my class are already taken.

And I asked another friend if they’d be interested in an FWB situation.  They told me to ask them again after we match (i.e. the end of fourth year).  My pussy CANNOT wait that long.

So yeah, here I am:

Side Note: I made the Dean’s List.  And my merit scholarship rolled over another year.  So medical school is working out thus far, even as I struggle to keep my sex crazed mind from going mad.

PPS: I also set a new personal best on the elliptical.  I completed 3 miles in thirty minutes (plus a five minute cool down). Trying to get, and stay, healthy as I shape my mind for my future career.

Okay, rambling done.  Back to studying.


Not Lackluster

Nothing is less sexy to me than desperation, yet three different men acted as such towards me over the span of one weekend.

Guy 1 I “met” via a dating app.  We exchanged phones numbers and began texting. In the entirety of my knowing him, he came off as over eager.  His insistence on conversations every day was exhausting.  I tried to arrange for our meeting, but he canceled last minute due to work.  Eagerness without accompanying action is a waste of my time.

Guy 2 is a former coworker.  During a fun group outing, and after many bottles of wine emptied by said group, he made it known, in no uncertain terms, that he would like to engage in kinky play again.  He was so insistent, and repetitive, that his partner, another coworker friend, broke down, and said, “She gets it. You want to fuck her.”  Accurate, and awkward.

Guy 3 is an old friend who lately has been sick. As much as I care for him as a person, illness too is not sexy. It was a brief moment of sadness that gave this blog its name.

The last time my friend and I had sex was the definition of lackluster.  Yes, I asked him to be quick, but of the five minutes of penetration, maybe two minutes were almost captivating.  It was a true pity fuck, and solidified my decision to not have sex with him again.

Compared to the experience of those three men, it is striking how not lackluster Gent is.

I saw him again the weekend before second year classes began.  I showed up in a comfy sundress and sandals, laid myself on his bed, and began chatting.  We conversed for a good twenty minutes, him lazily in a chair smirking at my conversation points.

“Do you know what schadenfreude is?”
“Yes, I’m German.”
“Right, I keep forgetting.”
“What are you thinking about right now?”
“I was wondering if we were going to have sex?”
“Why do you wait every time?”
“I know you’ve told me multiple times not to, but I’m too polite. I made my offer, presented to you what I wanted, and I’m in your place, so you get to decide if and when.”
“Why was the sex so lackluster?”

I told him about the above three men and my general frustrations surrounding them.

He got up from his chair, walked to the side of the bed, and coaxed me to my knees.

“It was the desperation.  Desperation is not sexy.  They asked for something that, if I wanted to give it, they should have be taking.”

As I answered his question, Gent slipped my panties off, shoved down his pants, flipped his shirt over his head, and began fingering me. Then slid inside me.

I gripped his sheets. Moaned into his mattress.

He pushed the hem of my dress up, tucked the collar of my dress down under my breasts.

He fucked me from behind. Then in missionary. He fucked me across the bed all the way to his nightstand. I used my hand to shield my head from banging into the wood.

“Don’t lift your hips.”

Gent regularly hits my cervix when going deep and hard.  Usually, I adjust by lifting my hips up. This time he wanted me to take all of the pleasure and the pain.  I gave in, was awash in him.  I cried, it felt so good.

He pulled out, laid down on the bed. I rode him.

He reached up, sucked and bit my nipples.  I pumped my hips quick and hard.  Drove myself to fuck him as well as he had fucked me.

“Are you going to come for me?”
I did.
“Again. Harder.”
I moaned.
“Do you have any more for me?”

This man’s dirty talk was A++.

As my body twisted in pleasure, collapsing down on him, he whispered “Good girl. Good girl.”

He tapped my thigh.  “Suck it.”

I jumped off and enveloped his cock in my mouth.

He then fucked me as I laid on my stomach, using my shoulders as leverage to drive in harder.

He bit my back at the top of my shoulders.  For a solid week into classes, I had delicious backpack moments, the dull ache of his teeth, memories living in my muscles.

We ended in missionary position again, with more hard fucking, and my whispers of “fuck yes” into his ears.

When we finished, we showered and had breakfast.  I wanted waffles.

After food, we had the same conversation as the last time we thought we wouldn’t fuck again.

I don’t want to fuck anyone else, but I know good and well that I have no power over whether or not Gent stays in my life.

For now, I concentrate on my classes, tutoring, and trying to not burn out.

But, on any given day, I wonder if I’ll ever have good dick like Gent’s ever again.