poeticdesires

Month: September 2012

  • Also Missed

    “I’m leaving.”
    “When?”
    “Like, right now.”

    He was pissed. He was really pissed. He stood up and started punching my chest. For a moment I wondered if my missed playdate with TwistedView would happen right there.

    As I back peddled, somehow Murphy added into the mix, suggesting he could punch my back while TwistedView attacked my front. I was having none of that.

    I screamed no. And then I ran. Like seriously ran. TwistedView grabbed onto me, but I clawed my way free, sprinting onto the asphalt path. I turned and saw the two of them slowly approaching.

    “No. I’m serious guys. No.”

    Still, they crept forward.

    “Are you going to call red?”
    “I don’t want to, but I will if I have to.”

    Their menacing stares receded. They gave assurances they were done.

    Instead of punching me, they wanted to hug me bye. The two of them surrounded me. And then Murphy asked the magical question.

    “How are you? It’s seemed like you’ve been off this camp.”

    And then I could finally say it, could finally reveal the weight on my heart. I missed all the people that weren’t there.

    Life is life. You cannot predict it. Sometimes you’re just along for the ride.

    Some of people at the last FetFest were not there this year, but there were two that pierced my heart to its core. Lil Sis was out of the country and Gray was in Hawaii.

    As I drove to camp, I realized their absences were the source of my reluctance to go in the first place. It took me til 3pm to arrive even though I had planned to show up as soon as registration opened (11am).

    I thought about them the whole time I was there. I remembered all the joy I had with them this past year and the many wonderful moments from last FetFest. As hard as I tried to fall into my camp experience, I couldn’t shake my dark cloud.

    It didn’t matter that I knew I would see Gray in a week. It didn’t matter that I knew I was heading to London in a month. They weren’t there. And as much as I wanted to love my event, it just didn’t feel the same to me without them.

    When I left on Sunday I was sad to go but also relieved. I didn’t have to try to hide my sadness, didn’t have to push myself to participate, didn’t have to be on, didn’t have to do anything. I could just be me, sad-quiet-people-missing-not-funtastic-at-the-moment me.

    It’s hard for me to give my pain voice. And, because of that, I did not have the event I could’ve.

  • Without You

    ~ a story ~

    I travel down the path, the same one we took that cool October evening, when inexplicably there were still leaves in the trees that rustled in the soft breeze. I step down the path, slowly, intently, and think of you.

    The trees are the same. Each pebble of gravel in place. Yet, this place is not the same. Every spot, every bend, each and every moment is missing you.

    I cannot take a step without remembering all the places we shared. Where we ate our first picnic. The bench where you told me you loved me, brushed my hair behind my ear, and for the first time kissed me. The patch of grass on which we laid, a soft blanket beneath us, our hands intertwined as we cloud-watched for hours.

    My life is not my life without you. My thoughts are not my thoughts. My breaths are not my breaths. My smiles, my laugh, my cries, my sobs. None are mine anymore. You are not mine anymore.

    You are gone. You… are gone. How can you be gone? You were just here with me, just walking down this path, just holding my hand, just watching clouds and smiling.

    I still wake up and wonder what you’ve made for breakfast. I still place my key in the lock of of our front door and for a moment hold my breath at the thought of your smile greeting me. I still reach for you at night, still roll towards you, still expect your arms to encircle me, squeezing me tight.

    My life is not my life. My home is not my home.

    You were my home. You were my partner in life, my pinky swear forever and ever bear. Without you, I have no home. My life is not my life.

    Without you, my world is gone.