I don’t even know where to start.

Even though my favorite numbers are 5 and 25, in general I don’t like odd numbers. So during my 41st year of life, things just felt odd. Off. Maybe it was because it was a time of transition, where literally everything was tenuous; it was always front of mind that this stage in my life was coming to an end.

Now I am living in the world of that transition, my future laid bare before me, the fruits of my efforts finally ripe for the picking.

Thus with this birthday, I feel settled. Not in a way that precludes change, for as a person we are always changing, and as a doctor I am always learning and growing, but in a way where I feel fully in myself, accepting of myself, and happy with the person I am.

Monty Python fans will appreciate the title of this post, and it does feel like I am living in my meaning, my life’s purpose, for being here. I am finally a doctor. Not just a resident, but an attending making decisions for my patients and helping to guide them in their healthcare as they see fit.

Along with my career accomplishments, I am feeling more in myself emotionally. Though I want to see my therapist more, I do have one and she understands the restraints of my job, granting me ease when it comes to scheduling appointments. (Saturday morning therapy sessions are a game changer.)

I have embraced, and fully evangelize, my status as a nerd and the many ways I embody that word. I am a TV nerd, a board game nerd, a writing nerd, a romance nerd, a movie nerd, and, my favorite, a sex & kink nerd. I know so much, love sharing what I know, and learning even more from others. And though I do not share the many facets of my life with everyone in my life (re: work life balance, keeping certain folks out of my business), I am not ashamed of any part of me. 

My ties to the people in my life that matter, my friends and family, feel strong and secure. This was especially evident to me during my graduation party, when forty people made the time and effort to come and celebrate my hard work over the past twelve years. Seeing the different sects of my families (my father’s side, my mother’s side, and my play cousins) congregating together and sharing a meal warmed my heart in a way I did not know was possible. My friends from all over, even from states away, being able to join in on the celebration, and meet some of my family, helped me see the beauty in my multilayered life. What a great party. What great moments.

In my break before starting my new job, I had the luxury of just being. For two weeks, I did nothing but sleep, eat, and read. During the entirety of my break, roughly two months, I think I burned through eight books. I forgot how much I loved to read just for fun.

I saw Beyonce. I saw Clipping. 

I went up to New York three times this summer. I experienced Shakespeare in the Park for the first time. I saw Audra McDonald as Gypsy Rose Lee. I let myself weep at Hadestown. I went to the Warriors silent disco in Lincoln Park. I visited the Kit Kat Club and saw Cabaret for the first time. I intermittently laughed and balled while taking in the wonderful play Purpose. I ate three meals at Gale’s Broadway Rose and visited MoMA twice (collecting multiple magnets, two art books, and one Snoopy plushy along the way). I got to tap back into the me that has nothing to do with my job and everything to do with art and enjoying each moment of my life.

In this meaning of life year, as I suffer the slings and arrows of a new position, learning and growing from lessons big and small, my hope, and my goal, is to still remain me, growing in my purpose every day.

May the fun and frivolity abound this year as I rebuild my roster (since I’ve moved), figure out the mess that is my mother’s house, organize and purge my new apartment, and settle into this life I get to live. 

I am indeed blessed.

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