poeticdesires

Category: Pittsburgh

  • Grue-p Dynamics

    Ok, looks like we will have room for you. 🙂

    It felt like an enclave. No, a kinky commune. No, a kinky family reunion.

    We woke up together. Got ready at the same time. Drank our respective morning drinks. Shoveled loads of food and supplies into cars. Carpooled to our destination. Worked together to make the Grue run smoothly.

    Went to dinner together. Came back to the AfterGrue with each other. At the end of the night, cleaned up. Closed the building.

    Made our way back home. For during that weekend the house was all our home. Crashed and went to bed at the same time.

    Got up again at the same time. Rode to pancakes. And then we started our parting.

    For a weekend, I shared a home with six other people. I felt welcomed, cared for, by the kinksters around me. By TwistedView and K2, who opened up their home to us. And by those who shared the domicile with me. We broke bread together, shared space, laughed and chatted. We were in and among one another.

    There is a certain type of euphoria in the midst of an event. I get that. But I loved this more. Not only did we attend the Grue together, we shared almost all parts of our lives for a weekend. I loved the morning hustle, the ordered chaos, as much as the presentations and play that would follow.

    I loved the warm honey water. Listening to a Katt Williams sound clip. Cookies fresh out of the oven. Sitting around the kitchen island for an hour, or just the ten minutes before we had to run out.

    I loved being a part of this temporary family unit, only for a weekend, but immersed in care and love.

  • Yearn

    Attention and affection; two simple concepts, yet it has taken me time and thoughtful introspection to realize they are the two major necessities I need in a relationship.

    I want a partner who will spend time with me. Not around me, but with me. I need simple attention: a meal where we bitch about our respective jobs; watching a movie on NetFlix; going for a jog with me in the neighborhood; testing our duel trivia knowledges via Jeopardy! It doesn’t need to be fancy, but give me the time.

    I also want someone who shows affection towards me. Hugs and kisses, yes. But also holding hands. Back rubs. Gentle caresses. Playing with my hair (bonus points!). Cuddles. Snuggles.

    Without attention and affection, I cannot be happy in a relationship.

    There was a moment a week and a half ago. It was the Sunday after the Grue Pitt. Everyone was tired, exhausted really, winding down from the event. Gray, TwistedView, K2, and myself gathered in the living room to watch random action movies.

    At one point, TwistedView and K2 snuggled on the LoveSac while Gray and I did the same on the couch. Gray lightly rubbed my back, my arm. We were watching either From Dusk Til Dawn or Game of Thrones. It was nothing big; just some down time to relax our brains and bodies.

    And then, in a flash, it hit me: This is awesome. I want this. I should find someone for this back home.

    Ding ding ding.

    Because that’s the thing: I live here and he lives there. Our lives are separated by hundreds of miles. When we are together, it’s great, amazing really, but our lives make it so our time together is fleeting. Thems be the breaks.

    I wanted to kick myself when the obvious hit me upside my head.

    It was exactly what Doc has been talking about. Love, real love, isn’t a series of highs and lows. It’s steady. A baseline that’s always there. Yes, it will have its moments, but the foundation lies in daily consistent care.

    I yearn for attention and affection from someone regularly in my life. I want snuggles on the couch and cuddles in bed each night. I want someone to lean on, and to take care of, not just on special days, but every day.

    I don’t like that, when thinking about any as yet partner, thoughts veer towards my Ex. I don’t like remembering snuggling with him on the couch or sleeping with him at night. I don’t like that he is still a small part of my life (the occasional run in at work).

    It is so tempting to go backwards, to try again. Not tempting enough, though, for me to do it. There were far too many things wrong with our relationship for me to go back to him. But tempting still.

    It hurts, my current situation. Because I know I did have that bond with someone before. I know it’s possible, making the not having it that much worse.

    I do have attention and affection now, occasionally, on special days. When I get it, I feel this sense of ease. Of excitement, of course, but also of stillness. A knowing that yes, this is right. This is what I want, what I need. A gladness for my life in those days.

    But I yearn for more than my special days, as cherished as they are to me. I yearn for constant love, daily care, dependable attention and affection.

    As you might have guessed, since the Grue Pitt, I edited my OKC profile again. I’m trying to find a poly munch. I’m keeping my eyes and heart open. And I’m hoping.

    Slowly, surely.

  • Wavelength

    “Your brain is unlike any I’ve seen before.”

    I laid on a table in the middle of a study, head tied down so I would not move. TwistedView loomed over me as Neuromancer sat by his computer, watching as the data came in. An EEG helmet rested against my skin, multiple points touching through my hair, reading my brainwaves all the while.

    First TwistedView punched my chest. I took in the pain and pushed it back out through my breathing. Next he struck my chest with his cane. I used my shrieks and cries to take in and release his strikes. He repeated this pattern, punching first and then caning, my thighs.

    For a few last readings, Neuromancer delicately stroked my right leg.

    Once complete, I sat up and we chatted.

    Neuromancer marveled at how my brain worked throughout the small scene. I never went away, always staying present in the moment. For him, when he was in throws of pain, he lost himself in the sensations. Other masochists he’d previously scanned lost themselves as well, floating away during their scenes. But my brain never stopped processing as I felt each blow inflicted upon me.

    He asked me to talk about my experience of the scene. I explained that my masochism was rooted, at times, in almost a sense of service. The pain the person wanted to inflict on me I took in, processed, and expelled back out into the world through my breathing, my shrieks, my cries.

    Yes, I still loved it. Loved the pain. Loved experiencing it, processing it, and seeing how far my body could be pushed. But I also loved the simple act of being the vessel for the sadist’s torments, being that which the sadist used to fulfill their dark desire.

    When I told my friends about Neuromancer’s findings, my Big Bro summed it up best:

    “Poetic, over thinking things? Who would’ve guessed?”

    /snark

  • Until…

    My head throbbed. Pain pulsed from the base of my neck up into my brain, out through my eyes, around my forehead, and at my temples.

    It was a migraine, the first I’d had in years, and only the third in my life.

    “I’m feeling nauseous” turned into “You need to drive” in a matter of seconds. I climbed into the passenger seat while Gray took the wheel.

    Immediately, as soon as I buckled my seat belt, I began crying. The pain was too much. Too much now. Not now. Why now? The last few precious moments I had with Gray and all I could do was quietly weep.

    He had me recline my chair, lie back, cover my eyes. He told me to eat his yogurt, but I didn’t want to risk throwing it up.

    My car was running low on gas. We had to stop.

    “Do you want a receipt?”

    “No.”

    I didn’t care about gas or my credit card. All I wanted was to stop the pain. All I wanted was to not make him miss his plane. All I wanted was for these last few minutes with him to be about something other than my head. I hated my body for betraying me.

    “I need something to concentrate on.”

    We started talking. We began a conversation about Game Of Thrones. He’s read the books. I’m watching the television show and reading after. We caught two episodes the night before.

    We discussed the characters, specifically my favorites who, if they die, I will stop watching. We talked about themes in the show. We talked about anything to make the time pass, to make myself forget about my head.

    When I peeked from beneath my arm, I saw it. He was pulling into the airport. I had a new reason to cry. What little time I had had with him in my car was about taking care of me, not about enjoying the the moments with him.

    He pulled in, grabbed his things from the back. I lurched out of my seat, stood by the front.

    He stepped over. He opened his arms for a hug, and caught the corner of my mouth for a kiss. I turned my head and returned his affection. Kissing once. Twice. Thrice. Four times our lips met and parted. My head didn’t hurt, my mind didn’t wander from our moment, standing in the airport drop off lane, embracing a man I loved.

    “I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
    “Safe travels.”

    And he walked away.

    I got into my car, my head throbbing a little less, and made my way home.

    All while driving, through wrong turns, pit stops, and moments of sorrow, I thought about my Senpai, missing him already, until the day I’d see him again.