Blog

I’ve come to the point in my life where I don’t put up with a lot of bullshit. This is especially true when it comes to men. Don’t get me wrong, I have had wonderful experiences with many different men. But I have also been disappointed by many, many more. 

A great example of this was this morning. 

Friday during my shift, I got the bright idea of actually scheduling fun things for this weekend. I already had one thing lined up, but I ended up scheduling three more things.m. It’s the weekend: Let’s have fun!

One of the things that I scheduled was a breakfast date with a gentleman who actually approached me on the street last wee. It was very random but also kind of cute. He was moderately attractive, not a 10, but at least a solid 5 to 6. I was willing to give him a chance.

Our texting for the week had been haphazard. My life is busy. And I made it known when he approached me that I was not going to diminish myself to have other people fit into my life. So I made a specific date and time with him for a 10 AM breakfast today. He gave me a yes, so I thought we were good. 

I woke up this morning at 9 AM and I texted him at 9:30 AM asking again for confirmation for our breakfast. There was no answer. 

At that moment, I had a decision to make: was I going to be bummed by this apparent ghosting or was I going to go on with my day, allowing for joy and happiness to be an option. You know which one I chose.

I decided to get breakfast from the restaurant I had planned for us to eat at to go. I was also going to walk to a nearby coffee place while the food is being made. I had my morning planned with what I believed to be lots of self-care. Or just a little treat. 

So it was that at 10:30 AM I was about to step into my apartment complex when I got a phone call; it was him.

This ended up being a not great interaction. I guess anyone could’ve guessed that. I expected an apology or a plan for another date. He told me he didn’t think I was serious and he didn’t know if I liked him. In my mind, I thought “How would I know if I liked him if we haven’t interacted in person save for the 5 minutes that we chatted when I met him?” His words then took on an accusatory nature and it was obvious to me that the conversation was going to get heated. So I said, I’m just gonna back away. He said OK and hung up on me.

I think in his mind, he was humbling me, or trying to assert dominance, or… I don’t know. I don’t know what was the point of all of this. He approached me on the street. He asked for my number. I was just going about my life and this random person inserted themselves into my day. I left open the possibility of maybe. And he talked himself out of pussy.

Part of the spiel I gave him when we first met was that I have a big brain, a big mouth and a big ass, and I am not willing to diminish any of those for any man. My life is full without a partner. I have lots of friends and I have a purpose that helps drive me each day. I love who I am. I like the idea of a partner who, you know, loves all of that about me. And I’m not willing to change that for some random who said hi.

So yeah, that happened this morning. After he hung up, I walked into my apartment, checked my mail, said hi to some of my friendly neighbors, and then sat down and ate my delicious breakfast and drank my delicious coffee. I watched two episodes of The Pitt. And I prepped some Heated Rivalry art that I am going to put on my wall. All in all, this has been a lovely day, despite that one little blip this morning.

Love yourself is so simple and yet so profound. In a world that tells women to acquiesce, to diminish, to beg, I refuse. I love me. My friends love me. We’re all great. So if you want to be a part of my life, you need to see that and love that too. If you want to change me or diminish me or belittle me or to humble me, goodbye.

I love this blog. It has been a part of my life since 2008. I have posts centered on people who are no longer living. So much of my life I shared in this space.

And then my blog was hacked, and I almost lost all those memories.

I got the blog back, barely. And the fear and mourning I felt when I almost lost this space gave me a wake up call.

So, I need a break from being this open. I need to figure out how I want to move forward in this space. And I need to give myself time to do that.

There will be more posts, more stories, more of me. But, for now, I need to hold this space for me and let less of myself out there for a world that isn’t always kind, caring, or respectful.

I don’t even know where to start.

Even though my favorite numbers are 5 and 25, in general I don’t like odd numbers. So during my 41st year of life, things just felt odd. Off. Maybe it was because it was a time of transition, where literally everything was tenuous; it was always front of mind that this stage in my life was coming to an end.

Now I am living in the world of that transition, my future laid bare before me, the fruits of my efforts finally ripe for the picking.

Thus with this birthday, I feel settled. Not in a way that precludes change, for as a person we are always changing, and as a doctor I am always learning and growing, but in a way where I feel fully in myself, accepting of myself, and happy with the person I am.

Monty Python fans will appreciate the title of this post, and it does feel like I am living in my meaning, my life’s purpose, for being here. I am finally a doctor. Not just a resident, but an attending making decisions for my patients and helping to guide them in their healthcare as they see fit.

Along with my career accomplishments, I am feeling more in myself emotionally. Though I want to see my therapist more, I do have one and she understands the restraints of my job, granting me ease when it comes to scheduling appointments. (Saturday morning therapy sessions are a game changer.)

I have embraced, and fully evangelize, my status as a nerd and the many ways I embody that word. I am a TV nerd, a board game nerd, a writing nerd, a romance nerd, a movie nerd, and, my favorite, a sex & kink nerd. I know so much, love sharing what I know, and learning even more from others. And though I do not share the many facets of my life with everyone in my life (re: work life balance, keeping certain folks out of my business), I am not ashamed of any part of me. 

My ties to the people in my life that matter, my friends and family, feel strong and secure. This was especially evident to me during my graduation party, when forty people made the time and effort to come and celebrate my hard work over the past twelve years. Seeing the different sects of my families (my father’s side, my mother’s side, and my play cousins) congregating together and sharing a meal warmed my heart in a way I did not know was possible. My friends from all over, even from states away, being able to join in on the celebration, and meet some of my family, helped me see the beauty in my multilayered life. What a great party. What great moments.

In my break before starting my new job, I had the luxury of just being. For two weeks, I did nothing but sleep, eat, and read. During the entirety of my break, roughly two months, I think I burned through eight books. I forgot how much I loved to read just for fun.

I saw Beyonce. I saw Clipping. 

I went up to New York three times this summer. I experienced Shakespeare in the Park for the first time. I saw Audra McDonald as Gypsy Rose Lee. I let myself weep at Hadestown. I went to the Warriors silent disco in Lincoln Park. I visited the Kit Kat Club and saw Cabaret for the first time. I intermittently laughed and balled while taking in the wonderful play Purpose. I ate three meals at Gale’s Broadway Rose and visited MoMA twice (collecting multiple magnets, two art books, and one Snoopy plushy along the way). I got to tap back into the me that has nothing to do with my job and everything to do with art and enjoying each moment of my life.

In this meaning of life year, as I suffer the slings and arrows of a new position, learning and growing from lessons big and small, my hope, and my goal, is to still remain me, growing in my purpose every day.

May the fun and frivolity abound this year as I rebuild my roster (since I’ve moved), figure out the mess that is my mother’s house, organize and purge my new apartment, and settle into this life I get to live. 

I am indeed blessed.