poeticdesires

the life and musings of a kinky slut

Addendum

Lips is in Germany for at least three years.

When I told him how much I liked our time together, he said “Thank you.”

Not that he liked it too. 
Not an (albeit probably fake) we might see one another again.

Just… Thank you.

I’m done.

Men are canceled.

~

Rafael Casal dropped another poem on Twitter.  So, I read it. 
Men are canceled, but I will always appreciate Rafa.

8.17.2019 Addendum

Boys on the Brain

Double Take looks like Gent in his email profile picture.  It’s uncanny and a little nerve wracking. 

Also, like Gent, when I met DT he was engaged.  Now he’s married. 

Unlike Gent, DT is sweet and kind, with a smile that makes me soft and warm inside.  Experiencing this made my liking DT so much worse. 

I’m happy for him, especially because he is excelling in school and finding a way to maintain a life outside of the rigorous demands we are all suffering through.  Still, I wonder when the influence of my parents’ actions will stop effecting my emotional life.

Learning a man is taken is not a turn off.  If anything, it makes me want him more.  And then my brain tumbles down a path of intentional avoidance to try to mitigate the eventual hurt that is to, or will, come if I keep this wonderful person in my life.  It’s like an early response system to try to stop me from making the same mistake my mother made so many years ago: falling for a man she could never truly have.

So, I’m keeping DT at arm’s length, and trying to not think about how much I want him.

~

I had sex with Community Boyfriend this weekend.  It wasn’t planned at all.  I went into my first kinky camp in 2.5 yrs with little to no expectations.  I wanted to see my friends.  I wanted to be naked in the woods.  Those things alone made the 20 hr round trip car ride worth it. 

On a whim, I asked CB for a cuddle date.  The weather afforded us naked cuddles on one of the mattresses in the Sexy Times area (a geodesic dome covered in white cloth, lined with string lights, and featuring a comfy carpeted floor).

CB and I have cuddled before.  We have this knack for small enjoyable movements as we lay together: fingernails across the back, head and neck massages, small delicate kisses here or there.

As we laid together, I thought about how lucky I was to have so many good friends in my life.  I thought about how happy I was to be near them, to have a community, loving and welcoming whenever I can make it back.  And I marveled that, whereas I am touch starved in school, I was now full of oxytocin feels with my friend.

We shifted here or there depending on which limb was numb.  Eventually, he laid his head on my chest as I stroked his short hair.  He then asked if he could suck on my nipples.  We hadn’t negotiated this, but I am not one to turn down such an enjoyable gesture.  And soon, my engine was revved up.

“I didn’t plan to have sex with you, but do you want to have sex?” I asked.
“Yes!” he said.

Condom on.  Chux laid down.  And then there we were, fucking in the woods.  He remarked how he missed me, how much he loved my sounds and my facial expressions, and how happy he was that I was able to come to camp.  I moaned and giggled and screamed to my little slut’s content.  I was so thankful for my hot sexy married polyamorous sweet fuck-buddy friend.

When I had to leave camp early, because school, I took a moment outside my car and said a little prayer thanking God for my experience: for love, community, and healing, for cuddles and kisses and orgasms, for the amazing life he had allowed me with all the good and bad in between.

~

I’ve liked Gunner since I met him as a new medical student; he was my tutor.

Gunner is now a member of my class (he took a year off), and now when interacting with him it is both awesome and weird.

We talk as true equals.  We are in the same educational situation and we relate in this new way.  But I also have those old feelings that I have for every attractive male that has some modicum of authority over me.  The school girl thing never goes away.

Also, and you could have already predicted this, Gunner is engaged.  It’s like I have an unconscious slutty sixth sense about this shit.

From Brain Twin to DT, from Gunner to Gent: whether I know it or not, if I am attracted to a man, he is mostly likely already married, engaged, has a girlfriend, or is gay.  (The last being the least common of all choices.)  And it’s just a matter of time before I find out which category each new man falls into, and my small spark of hope for a partner is dashed, again, for the fifty-leven-billionth time.

Your girl wants a boy so so bad, but these boys ain’t been wanting me.

~

Lips is in Germany.  He’s Army, so that’s how that goes.  I’m just glad we had our one night before he had to leave.

One day, I may get around to all the lovely details of our (almost) birthday sex.

Or I may just leave those wonderful memories in my brain. 

Either way, even though it was just one night, he was totally worth it.

~

Sometimes, when I’m not even meaning to, I think about Gent.

More accurately, I fantasize about him visiting me.  About him fucking me.

He’ll be waiting at the front door of my apartment.  We dash up to my room and ravish each other.

Or he’ll find me studying, and we quietly fuck so no one close by can hear us.

A kiss on the neck.  Fingers through the hair.  The little gestures I want, I miss.

It’s never intentional.  In fact, I try not to think about him, even when I masturbate. 

I try not to hope for things I know I can’t have. 

I try.

But somehow, this man that I know can’t be mine is always on my mind.

8.15.2019 Boys on the Brain

36

I am tired of seeking validation from men only to end up disappointed and in pain, physically and emotionally and mentally.

I want a life full of happiness and love, children and dogs, friends who make me smile and who get me.

I must live a life that makes me happy and feels purposeful; I can’t do that when my thoughts always go back to trying to “find a man” or “trap a man”, though my “trapping” was more on the lines of fucking him so well he’d want to stick around.  (See how well that worked out.)

My physical and emotional health are more important than any false hope of marriage, especially because of the fucked-up way people view marriage in this country and in society writ large. 

I am no one’s maid.  I’m not your cook, your assistant, or your housekeeper.

I am not your therapist.

I am me.  And I love me some me.  So fuck all the rest of y’all.  Im’ma go study and then listen to The Read.

7.13.19 36

(Almost) Birthday Sex

I’m tired and sticky and still in his bed.
It’s 11:40am.
I arrived at his place twelve hours ago.
My pussy is so sore, and yes a bitch still wants more.

Multiple squirting orgasms.
The wave of six damn near continuous orgasms.
It is damn near unlawful how long, how thick his cock is
and how good this man is at fucking.

And. AND. He a geek too.
We talked about Avatar: The Last Airbender
(cartoon, not that move abomination)
The Boondocks, Game of Thrones, The Wire, Invader Zim,
we’re both Slytherins,
I’m contemplating life choices cause THE DICK WAS THAT GOOD.

He frat, he fine as fuck, and I’m like
pulling myself back into reality that
I’ve only known this man for twelve hours,
but we fucked for five of them, so…

Bitch, his dirty talk.
His stamina.
A bitch is in trouble.
I know, I know, but I got Outkast lyrics going through my head.

Bitch… his playlist was FIRE.
He pulled out Keith Sweat. Jon B.
I just, for why Lord?
How can you make such a man?

Like, can I have him?
Can I actually have him???
Cause a bitch just might.
Shit.

Starts by saying, “Lie back and let me.”
And then, “You taste so good.”
And, “Fuck, you feel so good. You are so wet.”
“Yeah, it’s one of my superpowers,” I said.

Bitch, his lips.
His Mother Fucking LIPS.
Full and soft and this man CAN KISS.
Like, I didn’t want to stop kissing him.
And kissing all over my body.
And then biting when I asked him to.
And pulling my hair.
And a hand on my neck.
Nigga, did you read my erotica before I walked in the got damn door?

~

… Okay, back home.

Y’all, my pussy was throbbing all the way on the drive back.
We fucked again after I started this post (on my phone).
We fucked in this position.
We fucked in that position.
He was an encyclopedia of sex positions.
I experienced innumerable orgasms.
I literally could not count them all cause they
just… kept… coming.

This morning, he let me worship his cock,
and, may I just say, it is fucking beautiful.
Like an artist could not sculpt a cock more perfect than this man’s.
In my mouth.
Slapping my face.
(He really liked when I did that.)
The gag at the back of my throat.

Fuck, having someone on your level like that is just transcendent.
At one point, I sent a prayer of thankfulness up to God,
cause only he could bless me with this ultimate experience.
And so close to my birthday, too.

His sweat smelled good.
He didn’t give two shits about the wet spots.
Plural.

His sucked on my titties like that were breakfast.
Those fucking lips.

“You like that?  Right there?  Cum for me.”

I am shooketh.
So fucking shooketh.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

7.6.2019 Almost Birthday Sex

Overcoming Inadequacy

Little dicks are not inherently a problem.  They are simply genetics.  Those who have penises have no control over how short or long, small or large they are.  However, knowing what you are working with should motivate your actions in bed.

Thus I ended up having an okay time with a guy who had a small dick.  Maybe five inches.  Girth was okay.

It was long enough that when he did put it inside of me, it hit my G-spot just so.  The width was enough to feel it (yup, I’ve had ones I could just barely notice).  And he knew what positions maximized his efforts.

But the thing that made the evening most worthwhile was his openness to toys.  I brought my masturbation bag with me just in case.  And thank God I did.  It had two dildos, more condoms, gloves, lube, and other fun accoutrement that we didn’t get to but possibly in the future could try.

When I showed him all the fun things I’d brought, he immediately picked up the larger of the two dildos and was more than happy to use it on me.

There was oral, 69, pounding of the dildo into my hole, dirty talk, biting, and the best rim job I’ve ever had.  Note: I didn’t know I liked my asshole licked, but FUCK YES I love that shit.

He was sweet, constantly saying how beautiful I am and loving to cuddle in between fucking and sucking sessions.

He let me sleep over, though the thrashing of his body throughout the night made rest hard to grasp.

He’s a smoker, so my throat is not so happy.  Clothes were immediately placed in the hamper once I got home, and hair will be washed as soon as I’m finished this blog.

All-in-all, though, an enjoyable evening.

Grade: B-

6.20.2019 Overcoming Inadequacy

Wicked Game

I played; you fought.
I teased; you taunted.
We burned, and then crashed.
Karma?  No, condescension.
Was is worth it? Always.
Will it happen again?
Maybe.  That’s up to you now.

6.19.2019 Wicked Game

The Rules

So, what’s allowed?
Is anything allowed?

Us, this close?
The smell of your colon
And the sound of your breath
Clouding my senses. 

Your legs brushing against mine
Too many times for it to be accidental.
Is that allowed?

Can you caress my hair?
Grip it at the root, 
Pull me in close.

What about head?
Am I allowed to taste you again
My lips gliding down your shaft
The soft cry when your cock goes too far
Will we never have that again?

What if my hand slides over your thigh
Between your legs
And begins to massage your cock.
Are you going to stop me?

What if I lift my skirt
Showing you I’m not wearing any underwear.
Can you, will you resist?

How about anal?
Pounding into me
Hard
As I whimper my pleasure.

Is anything allowed?
Is nothing allowed?

What are the rules now?
Because you want me.
And I want you.

And us lying about this moment
Making any kind of difference for our futures
Is Puritanical, short sighted,
And a waste of amazing fucking.

5.26.2019 The Rules

Summer

~ a poem ~

Everything about him sparked something
deep
in me.

One summer, on a warm weekend (almost) night,
with the smoke from the grill scenting the air,
and the boom box busting lyrics
I’ve known but heart since middle school,
raising everyone up on their feet.

The sway of my family,
a gaggle of my cousins,
only a few by blood,
and folks with more grey in their hair
than years in their age,
swelled my heart to bursting.

And then he walked in,
just as the cookout
came to its crescendo.
Somehow, as if on cue.

His hips were like water.
I, like an acolyte,
joined the line of girls
those hips found in their sway.

The smell of burnt herb and his body musk
lingered after our five second dance.
The droplets on his back
caught the falling rays
of the overdue evening.
I licked my lips,
holding back my urge
to drink them up.

And then the beat dropped,
and we all got in our lines
ready for the ritual
of every joyful gathering
before or since.
Babies who couldn’t yet walk
were held up by their mother or grandmother.
This was our community, our communion.

He lined up beside me.
I popped my hips a little more,
shimmied a little deeper,
smiled the whole time.

“Go on, girl,” he hooted.
Oh, I will.

After the electric slide,
he hands slid to my sides.
I popped my hips left, right.
I swung my hair side to side,
bent
all
the way over.

“Girl!”

And then jumped up
and ran to my mother,
hoping my whopping
would at least wait
until after everyone had gone home.

I didn’t care.
I sat beside her,
looked back at him,
and grinned.
It was well worth it.


Grasping Onto Friendship

I’ve been feeling introspective as of late. We are in the phase of studying for our big test where we are on our own. Decide your own schedule, completely free.

With this freedom comes the same old emotional demons I’ve been wrestling with since practically conception. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Discounting my accomplishments. Downplaying my awesomeness. Pretty much on brand usual Green Eyes bullshit.

Enter Brain Twin.

Brain Twin has been a bright spot in my current academic marathon. Brain Twin is smart and kind and funny. And, of course, Brain Twin has a girlfriend.

I accept and ignore this fact each time we interact because I both respect their relationship but also like not caring how I act around Brain Twin.

Flash forward to today. Another helpful prep session. Discussions about third and fourth year and planning out career moves. Practice questions reviewed. All the normal highlights.

But then we got off on a tangent about queer healthcare. And Brain Twin’s pansexual friends. And Brain Twin’s girlfriend, who is also pansexual. And in this conversation I am both elated and flattened, because it was yet more confirmation.

Brain Twin checks all my boxes. This is a literal statement. I found a file I named “Ideal Man” which, I shit you not, is basically a description of Brain Twin before I ever met Brain Twin.

So yeah, that.

As our session ended, I made my usual awkward exit, and, somehow, I fumbled out a “we should be friends beyond you helping me for this test” type deal.

Still awkward duckling. Still so painfully lonely. Still wanting what I can’t have.

But distractions are nice. And friends are nice, too.

Grasping onto friendship, cause otherwise I’d scream. Or cry. Or probably both.

4.28.2019 Grasping Onto Friendship


Two Poems, Same Boy

Brain Twin was on my mind tonight.
He randomly called me for some advice.
I guess this means we are friends.
But any interaction with him has me all
twitterpated as of late.

So, poetry.

[NOTE: They are in picture form because
WordPress doesn’t respect my tabs.]
~

~

4.26.2019 Two Poems, Same Boy