the life and musings of a kinky slut

3.18.17 Triad_01

~ a story, in many parts ~

We fit together,
three souls connected,
entwined by magic,
four hearts beating between us.
We are destined to live,
love, die,
and live once more,
finding each other
over and over
and over again.


I eased the door closed and stripped down to my underwear before crawling into bed with them. It was the first time in a long time that I got home after they’d gone to sleep.

Shadow slept on the right, Echo on the left. I climbed up the middle, pealed the covers back, and slid in between them.

Eyes still closed, their hands found me. Echo reached for my hips and pulled my ass into his crotch. His teeth sunk into my shoulder, his growl escaping my flesh. Shadow found my hair and nestled his face against my cheek. He kissed me softly; my gasp from Echo’s bite slipped into Shadow’s mouth.

Our bodies undulated together, nestling into one another. Our legs mingled. We murmured soft hums as we settled into each other for the night.

3.1.17 Same Old Heartache

~ a poem ~


It feels like Spring,
the season where
my loneliness blooms.
Each year, without fail,
I get an ache in my body,
a desire for a warm
and a little heart beating
in my belly.

Today I let my mind slip away,
dreaming of a life that could happen.
Our reconnection.
Our fucking.
Your inevitable absconding.
A positive test.
A message sent.
A new life within me
only half belonging to you.
I’d keep her.
I’d tell you,
let you decide
what kind of a man you were.
No matter your answer,
I’d be happy.

And then it struck me,
why this fantasy
was so comforting.
It is my life,
myself recast as my mother
and you as my father.

Of course my drifting mind
landed on all
I push against.
Of course the lust of us,
and the end of us,
was what I dreamed about.
It’s what I know.

Familiarity, however,
does not equal goals.

I meet horrible people every day
and most of them have dates,
Shitty people couple up so easily.

I, on the other hand,

Still, it’d be nice
if my person would show up already.

2.14 Long Overdue

Apologies for the delay in posting this. Here is my Gender Studies 101 paper in which I analyze the portrayal of gender in Hamilton: An American Musical. This is my paper in full, including the works cited page, and my typos; as a reminder, because I am a nerd, I earned an A.

I figured, for a supposed day of love, I’d share something I actually loved creating. Please enjoy.


Hamilton: An American Musical is a cultural phenomenon that has captured the zeitgeist of my generation.  Written by and starring Lin-Manuel Miranda, it garnered a record setting sixteen Tony nominations and won eleven awards, including Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Lead Actor, and Best New musical.  Its accolades also include a Grammy for Best Musical Theatre Album, performed by the original Broadway cast. (Hamilton (musical) Wikipedia.com) As its awards would suggest, this musical is advanced in multiple ways, including in its depictions of gender.  In its casting choices, costume designs, and songs, Hamilton both affirms and counters stereotypical views of masculinity and femininity.

When performing an intersectional analysis, one looks at general attributes one could use to describe or categorize a group of people. These classifications can include race ethnicity, social class, and gender. (Aulette and Wittner 9) Hamilton utilizes its diversity to its advantage in creating a dynamic and captivating show.

Simply by looking at the original Broadway cast of Hamilton, one can already see how this musical differs from most other performances on the Great White Way. (Miranda and McCarter 18-19) The majority of the cast members are people of color.  Its three main leads include one Latin man, one black man, and one half-Asian woman. The supporting cast includes three black men, two black women, one Latin man, and one white man.

Though there is seven-to-three ratio of men to women in the lead roles, the ensemble is an even split with six women and six men. Again, we see a group filled with people of color. Of the twelve people in the ensemble, only three are white. For a musical that is based on the lives of our founding fathers, this simple switch from history to art is a major change.

In the musical, four actors play dual roles, the switch occurring between the two acts. For better gender equality, it would been interesting to see women play the roles of Lafayette/Jefferson and Laurens/Phillip. In Act One, Lafayette is a staunch ally and confidant of the main character, and Laurens is Hamilton’s closest friend. In Act Two, Jefferson is Hamilton’s foe in the cabinet, and Phillip is Hamilton’s son. (Miranda and cast) Giving the roles of Lafayette/Jefferson and Laurens/Phillip to women would introduce interesting gender undertones as well as give the musical an equal proportion of male and female main characters.

On the surface, roles in the show trend towards the men, but digging deeper reveals greater female involvement than expected. The lesser named characters, specifically characters played by the ensemble on a rotating basis, include three roles only played by men. However, one role crucial to the entire musical, but is never named during any song, is The Bullet. Counter to expectation and stereotypes about male violence, The Bullet is played by a female ensemble member. Also, all ensemble members play group roles: soldiers, voters, cabinet members, and Federalists. Though historically women weren’t officially allowed to fight in the Revolutionary War, or have the right to vote until many years later, female ensemble members are included in portraying these actions in Hamilton. (Miranda and cast) Greater equality among the genders is shown if one were to only pay attention.

An obvious and omnipresent prop for gender performance in Hamilton are the various costumes. (Aulette and Wittner 77-78) When we are first introduced to the cast, we are also introduced to subtle displays of gender that will be maintained throughout the nearly three hour show. Initially, all cast members are in outfits made in plain canvas colored cloth. The leading men, with the exception of Burr, the main narrator, wear a white shirt, vest, coat, pants, and boots. The leading ladies wear a dress with a cinched bodice and long sleeves. (Miranda and McCarter 18-19)

The members of the ensemble wear similar outfits, but delving into the details reveals the subtlety of gender display. The men wear a vest with no shirt, showing their bare arms. They don loose fitting pants and boots. The women also wear a vest, but it is corseted in the back and has bows at either shoulder. Their pants are of a stretchy material, possibly leggings. The women also wear boots. (Miranda and McCarter 18-19) The male ensemble members show off their strength in their arms and are given pants that presume work must be down, hence the loose comfort. The women are given tops that require someone else to help them dress, pants that accentuate their read ends, and a top that includes a playful, childlike, accessory.

The counter-gender messaging via costuming occurs during the ensemble group roles.  When the ensemble is comprised of soldiers, voters, cabinet members, and Federalists, the women lose their corseted tops and instead wear shirts just like the men, buttoned down and bare armed. (Miranda and McCarter 260-261) Both sexes sport either long coats as soldiers, or gloved hands and pseudo-ties as voters, cabinet members, and Federalists. (Miranda and McCarter 62-63, 260-261) Since the women took up “male” roles, they are dressed in more masculine attire.  However, the pants remain the same throughout the show.

One stereotypical, and gloriously on the nose, costume choice was the outfit for King George. In a role played by a white man, the monarch comes out on stage in red fabric with gold trim, an ermine throw over his shoulder, a large gold and jeweled shoulder piece, and a crown. (Miranda and McCarter 56) King George is a rich white man who is the symbol of the monarchy, the wealthy class, and white straight male rule.  He is unlike any other character in the show: mostly solo singing in his musical numbers, opulence in his dress, a Brit-Pop musical style, and a psychopathic need for control through violence. The character of King George is the very definition of hegemonic masculinity. (Aulette and Wittner 10)

Ultimately, my love for Hamilton begins and ends with the music. When reviewing the number and the focus of the songs, we again see how gender is a part of the play. There are forty-seven named songs in the show. (Miranda and cast) Of those, three are solos: two from King George and one from Eliza, the female lead. At first, this would seem like a point where men outpace the women. However, when you combine the times of both of King George’s solos, you find that his total time is less than that of Eliza’s one solo. A perceived bias turns out to be close to equity.

When looking at the rest of the songs, there is more male than female singing. For the purpose of my analysis, I defined a male dominated song as one where no female leads sing, but the ensemble is included. There are twenty such songs in the play. There are also seven songs where only the male leads sing; not even the ensemble contributes. This is more than half of the show. There are no songs, save Eliza’s solo, where only the female leads sing. However, there are three songs where the women are the main singers and fourteen songs where there is a mix of male and female singing. Though the men are given a large portion of the show, the women are still an enormous and important presence. Changing the casting of Laurens/Phillip and Lafayette/Jefferson to women would go a long way towards equal gender representation in the singing.

Hamilton features many different music styles, including classic Broadway, jazz, R&B, Brit-Pop, island music, and, most notably, rap. Hip Hop is the by far the most important language of the show. When analyzing the way rap is utilized in two songs, one can see how gender is again reinforced and countered. The power of masculinity is juxtaposed against the genius of the mind of a strong woman.

Guns and Ships is a fast meaty song occurring at the height of the war. The Marquis de Lafayette, played by Daveed Diggs, uses the song to boast of his military prowess. He brags about triumphs in battle, “makin’ redcoats redder with bloodstains.” (Diggs, Odom Jr., Jackson, and cast 0:33-0:34) His leadership is credited by Burr, in his roles as narrator, as a major reason why the colonists were successful against England. In Daveed Diggs’ delivery, the audience is gifted with rapid fire lyrics. The lines are packed with middle and end rhymes, including alliteration, assonance, and consonance. Lafayette shows his bravado in the first half of the song, and then switches to praise his friend Hamilton. The entirety of the two minutes and six seconds are about war, fighting, cunning, and blood, stereotypically masculine traits.

Satisfied takes place at a wedding. Angelica, the eldest Schuyler Sister, raises a glass and toasts to the marriage of Hamilton to her sister Eliza. The song then rewinds back in time. In the previous song, Helpless, we see how Eliza meets Hamilton, falls in love, is wooed by him, and their eventual marriage. In Satisfied, we learn Eliza was not the first Schuyler sister Hamilton met.

The song is a whirlwind of moments, realizations, and decisions made in the blink of an eye. Angelica describes her first encounter with Hamilton at a Winter’s Ball. Just through a brief conversation, she realizes Hamilton is her soul mate, but he is also interested in her family’s money. Angelica also sees that her sister has fallen for Hamilton, too. In a flash, Angelica analyzes the situation and decides to put family before her heart. Angelica loves and knows her sister well. She explains, “If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned, He’d be mine. She would say, ‘I’m fine.’ She’d be lying.” (Goldsberry and cast 3:54-4:02)  In her duty as eldest daughter, and because of her love for her sister, Angelica puts Eliza’s heart before her own.

Satisfied, given more than double the time of Guns and Ships, weaves a story of love and heartbreak. It shows Angelica’s sacrifice, but also exemplifies the power of her mind. Angelica’s rap is tongue twisting, quick, clever, intelligent, calculating, and empathetic. It is stereotypically emotional, but unstereotypically cerebral.

Two songs that exemplify how Hamilton runs counter to expectations of gender are positioned at opposite ends of Act One.

Dear Theodosia is a cooing melody sung by Burr and Hamilton centering on their love of their children. Both men had a child soon after the war ended. The song is slow, full of paternal pride and caution. Burr sings to his daughter, “When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart. I’m dedicating every day to you.” (Odom Jr. and Miranda 0:17-0:31) Like a lullaby, it soothes the audience after the boom and bombast of the war. Against expectation, it is a song full of softness sung by two strong men.

The Schuyler Sisters is our introduction to the leading ladies of the musical. It is also a feminist anthem rocked by three emboldened women. Peggy, Angelica, and Eliza Schuyler take a carriage into the city in search of “a mind at work”. (Goldsberry, Soo, Cephas-Jones, Odom Jr., and cast 1:06-1:09) The women remark on the march towards war with England, their thirst for knowledge, their political beliefs about equality, and their joy of being a part of history in the making. When confronted by Burr in his attempt to woo the oldest sister, he calls himself “a trust fund baby. You can trust me.” (1:34-1:36) Angelica and her sisters respond to his advance with zeal.

Angelica: I’ve been reading “Common Sense” by Thomas Payne. So men say I’m intense or I’m insane. You want a revolution? I want a revelation, so listen to my declaration.
Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”
Angelica: And when I meet Thomas Jefferson,
Company: Unh!
Angelica: I’m ‘a compel him to include women in the sequel!
Women: Work! (1:36-1:55)

In this song, the women value intelligence over money. They are bold and confident. They are calling for equality in a society that does not afford such to them. This is how we are introduced to the leading women of the show, and nothing after this song diminishes our view of their strength.

Through compelling characters and excellent use of varying musical styles, Hamilton: An American Musical engendered enough devotion in me to sleep overnight on a city street in order to buy a ticket to see the show. The virtuosity of this musical is shown throughout its execution, down even to its portrayal of gender. A casual viewer can walk away without realizing they have seen a show that counters stereotypes of gender. Though men outnumber the women in the cast, it still features strong female characters in roles not often associated with the 18th and 19th century. The women are people who make choices and decide their lives for themselves. Costume choices to display gender difference or wash them away challenge stereotypical notions of what are women’s roles. The music gives voice to characters bold and strong and feminine. For those who are paying attention, Hamilton is brilliance unbound and feminist at its core.


Works Cited


“Hamilton (musical).” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hamilton_(musical). Accessed

10 December 2016.


Aulette, Judy Root and Judith Wittner. Gendered Worlds. 2nd ed, Oxford University Press, 2012,

  1. 9, 10, 77-78.


Miranda, Lin-Manuel and Original Broadway Cast. Hamilton: An American Musical, Atlantic

Records, 2015.


Miranda, Lin-Manuel and Jeremy McCarter. Hamilton: The Revolution.1st ed., Grand Central

Publishing, 2016, pg. 18-19, 56, 62-63, 260-261.


Daveed Diggs, Leslie Odom Jr., Christopher Jackson, and original broadway cast. “Guns and

Ships.” Hamilton: An American Musical, Atlantic Records, 2015.


Renѐe Elise Goldsberry, and original broadway cast. “Satisfied.” Hamilton: An American

Musical, Atlantic Records, 2015.


Leslie Odom Jr. and Lin-Manuel Miranda. “Dear Theodosia.” Hamilton: An American Musical,

Atlantic Records, 2015.


Renѐe Elise Goldsberry, Phillipa Soo, Jasmine Cephas-Jones, Leslie Odom Jr. and original

broadway cast. “The Schuyler Sisters.” Hamilton: An American Musical, Atlantic

Records, 2015.


2.2 Because The Internet

~ a poem ~

Can music make love to you?
Fuck you through the speaker?
Caress you via sound waves?

When I listen to him,
I feel his hands on me,
his lips on mine,
his dick inside of me.

We modulate
rough or slow,
sensuous and deep,
fast and frenetic
based on the song.

Does he know
I cum to his words?
His melodies pulse through me.
His rhymes and his wordplay
get me there every time.

Can he feel his effect on me?
Does he know?
Does he care?
Could real relations ever be as good?

Shit, it’d probably be better.
Listening to him
as he fucks me.
Is it narcissism if he likes it?
Damn if I care.

Fuck me baby,
oral and orally.

2.1.17 That Boy

~ a poem ~

I still remember a lot of things
about that boy.
His ass.
My god his ass.
He was in the best shape,
and he had an ass
I wanted to bite.
But he wasn’t into that, though.

The sex,
when we had it,
was amazing.
We fucked on the floor,
on his counter,
on his couch,
and, eventually,
in his bed.
He pushed me,
and I loved it.
I miss that dick.
Some of the best I’ve ever had.
I can admit that,
as much as I don’t want to.

I think about him
when I masturbate.
He never got
to fuck my ass.
A pity.
in my fantasies,
he has many times.

He wore this
devilish smile.
He knew
too well
how easy it is
for him
to charm women.
Every once in a while
I still marvel
that we were

I count him as an ex,
but I doubt he ever
about me.

His life took a turn
after we parted.
I hope he is doing better
I hope he is happy.
I hope he has someone
to help him be happy.

And, if he reads this,
I hope he reaches out
and says hi.

1.31.17 Family

My Uncle is in the hospital. My Mom is handling it as best she can.

I just got the phone call tonight. I could hear in her voice before she explained the situation how bad it was.

He’s in a lot of pain.

My Uncle and I have never gotten along. We are the antithesis of each other. Once, in an offhand comment, he warmly called me a racial slur. For three years out of my life, our bedrooms shared a wall. Late at night, I’d hear him preaching to someone on the phone. Trying to fall asleep to that was…difficult. His life is based in the Bible. I am a loose Christian.

My Uncle was born with cerebral palsy, we think. Or he contracted polio. Health systems for black folks have not been ideal. He walked with a hitch, his hip cocked to one side due to whatever illness he has/had. Some years ago, he fell down the stairs in the house and broke his hip. My Mom didn’t get home until hours after the incident. He was there, alone, in pain, and could only wait. He’s used a walker ever since.

I don’t want my Uncle to die. My Mom and my Uncle have lived in that house for years with just the two of them. For most of my early years, I lived in that house. It was me, my mother, my uncle, and my Granddaddy. Then my Grandfather died my senior year in high school. And I moved away for college. So, for fourteen years, it’s been just the two of them.

My Mom is the closest thing to a matriarch in the family. She’s kind and sweet and tries as best she can for her siblings. But she is just one person. And our family has never been well off.

I don’t want my Uncle to die, but I don’t want him to suffer either. I don’t want my mother to lose her brother, but I know this ordeal is tearing her up inside.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I do know I have been through this before with other family members and, either way, I never like how this ends up.

1.30.17 Missed Call

So, I wrote a script for myself for a phone call I was going to make to my governor’s office concerning the Executive Order banning immigrants, refugees, and green cards holders from seven majority Muslim countries. When I went to look up my friend’s original Facebook post with the office’s phone number, I found a comment linking to the governor’s statement on the matter. He sidestepped, saying the issue is a federal matter. I didn’t make the phone call. (I literally just wrote my script and just read it was too late.) Anyways, here is what I wrote:

Hello, I’d like to give my comment to the Governor concerning the Executive Order banning the immigration of refugees and green card holders.

I believe the ban is unconstitutional, immoral, and wrong. I am quite against it. I believe our nation is made better by immigrants and refugees, and the President has made a grave and illegal mistake. Frankly, it shocks and scares me that he would deny re-entry for green card holders; they are legal residents who have built lives in this country. It also angers me that he would deny immigrants and refugees with visas. These people went through long processes to even earn their visa to come to this country. For refugees, the average is two years of vetting. This, coupled with the time spent running away from the conflict in their original homes, is a trial much more thorough than most people experience running for elections. These people have applied, answered MANY questions, waited their turn, and are finally able to breathe sighs of relief, only to be turned away at the very last moment. It’s cruel. It’s not how I want my country to be.

Also, as it concerns the Governor, I see this moment as an opportunity for him to try to persuade many of his constituents that didn’t vote for him that he is worthy of another look. Since he’s in a majority liberal state, his opposition to the ban could show moderation. I’ve heard some heartening things about his policy proposals lately: ethics reforms and fixing the state’s gerrymandering problem. If he is able to push those policies forward while also standing up to the President, I suspect that would convince those of us who doubt his leadership that he may be different than we previously imagined.

Thank you for your time and listening to me on this subject. Have a good day.

1.29.17 Reparations

With every drink, every bite of food, and every alien slaughtered, one thing was on my mind: REPARATIONS, bitch.

Some background.

I make a point to go to at least one company holiday party every year. As I’ve mentioned before, all the companies I work for are owned by white men. (Side Note: This just changed in the past month. One is now owned by a woman; progress.)

This year, one party was planned for the end of January after the big push of gigs for the inaugural season. At this party, there is always free food and free booze. However, the venue was a Dave & Busters. I was not going to miss out.

To hedge my bet on having fun, I asked a black female friend to be my plus one. I am already surrounded by A LOT of white people for work. Being social with them was going to be a bit much. I chose correctly. When we arrived, we doubled the number of black people in the room.

Food was buffet style and okay. We got drink tickets we could use for our own private bartender for the party. It was on. Two hours into the four hour party, we smoothly asked the office manager for more drink tickets. She still had a large stake and we were not going to miss out.

Venturing onto the gaming floor, we found a cornucopia of shooter games. There was also skee ball and movie themed fun. There is just something so empowering about walking around with a drink in one hand and loud noises and bright lights inviting you in.

Last call was fifteen minutes before the end of the party. There was a long line of folks trying to cash in the last of their drink tickets. With mine, I received four kamikaze shots and was on my way. Back in the dining area, we discovered there were to-go boxes. I loaded up on bread and meat. Then the wait staff kindly pushed us out. They had yet another party to setup for.

Next there was more games and a trip to the ticket redemption room. I opted to keep my tickets for next time. They had run out of Minion dolls.

All told, our collective company tab was high and we ate well.

I will take whatever free things I can from the white man. These parties may be my only chance to claw back just a little bit for the ancestors.

1.28.17 Emotional Echo Chamber

Saturday night was not good for me.

First I drove my longest Uber drive thus far: Dulles Airport to the northern tip of Delaware, 122 miles in two hours and ten minutes. When I finished my ride, I turned on NPR. That’s when I learned the shit had hit the fan (and why security seemed extra tight/hectic at the airport). I was heartened to hear about the protests that had sprung up due to the Executive Order travel ban.

I finished the long drive around 8:30pm. I got home at about 10pm. I ate dinner, tried to relax. I went to bed.

Funny thing about me: I prefer to listen to the radio when I go to sleep. Lately, I’ve left NPR on. I liked hearing stories from around the world as I drifted off. However, on Saturday night, all talk was about the ban. Rally chants echoed in my head.

Before bed, I decided to go to a protest on Sunday after my early morning shift but before my company party that evening. But I just couldn’t sleep. I tossed.  I turned. Commentary about the EO and reactions by others around the world filled the air. A rally chant wouldn’t stop banging around in my brain. My head started to hurt. I got too hot and shoved off the covers. I got too cold and pulled them back up. Sleep would not come.

At 2am, after fighting with my bed and body, I figured it out. I turned the radio to a local hip hop station. I grabbed my stuffed animals and held them tight. I took deep breaths and made myself think about something else. I finally fell asleep around 2:30am, and then woke up three hours later for work.

On the way to my gig, I caught a conversation I needed to hear. Rep. John Lewis was the guest on the NPR spirituality show On Being. I love Rep. Lewis, and, though I did not agree with everything he spoke about that morning, one thing he said stuck: Be a pilot light, not a firecracker. Be steady and dependable. Used your energy in a way that is sustainable, instead of bright and then burnt out.

I didn’t go to the protest. Instead I went home, took a nap, and then had lunch with a friend who couldn’t go to the protest. We commiserated about the current craziness of our country. I start knitting a hat and put my phone far away from me.

The next four years are going to be difficult. Pacing oneself to withstand the long haul is key to the success of our resistance.

Be a pilot light, not a firecracker.

1.27.17 A Single Girl’s Lament

~ a poem ~

Every time I see them
on the street,
or when they get into my car,
I wonder:
How did they do it?

How did they meet?
Do they get along?
Are they secretly at each other’s throats?
Or are they actually happy?

Couples baffle me.

Looking back on my love life,
I can solidly say
I’m pretty bad at dating
and relationships.
I know this stems
from the example
I grew up with.
Being the product of an affair,
seeing my mother visit my father
once a week,
left a lasting impression.
It’s how I viewed my relationships.
It’s why things lasted
so long
with my last Ex.
Seeing each other once a month,
or two,
was normal.
Being second fiddle
to some other person,
though inside I was hurting,
felt familiar.
It’s what I knew,
what I know.
It’s why I stayed with another
for three years
even though,
while we lived together,
he’d randomly say things
that telegraphed
we wanted vastly different lives.

When I see couples,
I wonder:
Will that ever be me?
Am I ever going to find someone
who wants to be mine
Am I destined
to be alone?

I’ve been repeating
a random Zen quote
I got from Twitter:
My current situation
is not my final destination.
It’s a mantra for my life.

I have to believe
I’ll find someone,
or they’ll find me.
I have to believe
I will fall in love,
and have my three children.
We’ll live in a small
but nice home.
I have to believe
the life I want,
the life I dream of,
is achievable,
even though my model
wasn’t the best.

I don’t ever want
to be the other woman
I want to be the wife.
When that happens, though…