Double Take looks like Gent in his email profile picture. It’s uncanny and a little nerve wracking.
Also, like Gent, when I met DT he was engaged. Now he’s married.
Unlike Gent, DT is sweet and kind, with a smile that makes
me soft and warm inside. Experiencing
this made my liking DT so much worse.
I’m happy for him, especially because he is excelling in
school and finding a way to maintain a life outside of the rigorous demands we
are all suffering through. Still, I
wonder when the influence of my parents’ actions will stop effecting my
Learning a man is taken is not a turn off. If anything, it makes me want him more. And then my brain tumbles down a path of
intentional avoidance to try to mitigate the eventual hurt that is to, or will,
come if I keep this wonderful person in my life. It’s like an early response system to try to
stop me from making the same mistake my mother made so many years ago: falling
for a man she could never truly have.
So, I’m keeping DT at arm’s length, and trying to not think
about how much I want him.
I had sex with Community Boyfriend this weekend. It wasn’t planned at all. I went into my first kinky camp in 2.5 yrs
with little to no expectations. I wanted
to see my friends. I wanted to be naked
in the woods. Those things alone made
the 20 hr round trip car ride worth it.
On a whim, I asked CB for a cuddle date. The weather afforded us naked cuddles on one
of the mattresses in the Sexy Times area (a geodesic dome covered in white
cloth, lined with string lights, and featuring a comfy carpeted floor).
CB and I have cuddled before. We have this knack for small enjoyable
movements as we lay together: fingernails across the back, head and neck massages,
small delicate kisses here or there.
As we laid together, I thought about how lucky I was to have
so many good friends in my life. I
thought about how happy I was to be near them, to have a community, loving and
welcoming whenever I can make it back.
And I marveled that, whereas I am touch starved in school, I was now
full of oxytocin feels with my friend.
We shifted here or there depending on which limb was
numb. Eventually, he laid his head on my
chest as I stroked his short hair. He
then asked if he could suck on my nipples.
We hadn’t negotiated this, but I am not one to turn down such an
enjoyable gesture. And soon, my engine
was revved up.
“I didn’t plan to have sex with you, but do you want to have
sex?” I asked.
“Yes!” he said.
Condom on. Chux laid
down. And then there we were, fucking in
the woods. He remarked how he missed me,
how much he loved my sounds and my facial expressions, and how happy he was
that I was able to come to camp. I
moaned and giggled and screamed to my little slut’s content. I was so thankful for my hot sexy married polyamorous
sweet fuck-buddy friend.
When I had to leave camp early, because school, I took a
moment outside my car and said a little prayer thanking God for my experience:
for love, community, and healing, for cuddles and kisses and orgasms, for the
amazing life he had allowed me with all the good and bad in between.
I’ve liked Gunner since I met him as a new medical student;
he was my tutor.
Gunner is now a member of my class (he took a year off), and
now when interacting with him it is both awesome and weird.
We talk as true equals.
We are in the same educational situation and we relate in this new
way. But I also have those old feelings
that I have for every attractive male that has some modicum of authority over
me. The school girl thing never goes
Also, and you could have already predicted this, Gunner is
engaged. It’s like I have an unconscious
slutty sixth sense about this shit.
From Brain Twin to DT, from Gunner to Gent: whether I know
it or not, if I am attracted to a man, he is mostly likely already married,
engaged, has a girlfriend, or is gay.
(The last being the least common of all choices.) And it’s just a matter of time before I find
out which category each new man falls into, and my small spark of hope for a
partner is dashed, again, for the fifty-leven-billionth time.
Your girl wants a boy so so bad, but these boys ain’t been
Lips is in Germany. He’s
Army, so that’s how that goes. I’m just
glad we had our one night before he had to leave.
One day, I may get around to all the lovely details of our (almost)
Or I may just leave those wonderful memories in my
Either way, even though it was just one night, he was totally
Sometimes, when I’m not even meaning to, I think about Gent.
More accurately, I fantasize about him visiting me. About him fucking me.
He’ll be waiting at the front door of my apartment. We dash up to my room and ravish each other.
Or he’ll find me studying, and we quietly fuck so no one
close by can hear us.
A kiss on the neck.
Fingers through the hair. The
little gestures I want, I miss.
It’s never intentional.
In fact, I try not to think about him, even when I masturbate.
I try not to hope for things I know I can’t have.
But somehow, this man that I know can’t be mine is always on my mind.
I am tired of seeking validation from men only to end up disappointed and in pain, physically and emotionally and mentally.
I want a life full of happiness and love, children and dogs, friends who make me smile and who get me.
I must live a life that makes me happy and feels purposeful; I can’t do that when my thoughts always go back to trying to “find a man” or “trap a man”, though my “trapping” was more on the lines of fucking him so well he’d want to stick around. (See how well that worked out.)
My physical and emotional health are more important than any false hope of marriage, especially because of the fucked-up way people view marriage in this country and in society writ large.
I am no one’s maid. I’m not your cook, your assistant, or your housekeeper.
I am not your therapist.
I am me. And I love me some me. So fuck all the rest of y’all. Im’ma go study and then listen to The Read.
I’m tired and sticky and still in his bed.
I arrived at his place twelve hours ago.
My pussy is so sore, and yes a bitch still wants more.
Multiple squirting orgasms.
The wave of six damn near continuous orgasms.
It is damn near unlawful how long, how thick his cock is
and how good this man is at fucking.
And. AND. He a geek too.
We talked about Avatar: The Last Airbender
(cartoon, not that move abomination)
The Boondocks, Game of Thrones, The Wire, Invader Zim,
we’re both Slytherins,
I’m contemplating life choices cause THE DICK WAS THAT GOOD.
He frat, he fine as fuck, and I’m like
pulling myself back into reality that
I’ve only known this man for twelve hours,
but we fucked for five of them, so…
Bitch, his dirty talk.
A bitch is in trouble.
I know, I know, but I got Outkast lyrics going through my head.
Bitch… his playlist was FIRE.
He pulled out Keith Sweat. Jon B.
I just, for why Lord?
How can you make such a man?
Like, can I have him?
Can I actually have him???
Cause a bitch just might.
Starts by saying, “Lie back and let me.”
And then, “You taste so good.”
And, “Fuck, you feel so good. You are so wet.”
“Yeah, it’s one of my superpowers,” I said.
Bitch, his lips.
His Mother Fucking LIPS.
Full and soft and this man CAN KISS.
Like, I didn’t want to stop kissing him.
And kissing all over my body.
And then biting when I asked him to.
And pulling my hair.
And a hand on my neck.
Nigga, did you read my erotica before I walked in the got damn door?
… Okay, back home.
Y’all, my pussy was throbbing all the way on the drive back.
We fucked again after I started this post (on my phone).
We fucked in this position.
We fucked in that position.
He was an encyclopedia of sex positions.
I experienced innumerable orgasms.
I literally could not count them all cause they
just… kept… coming.
This morning, he let me worship his cock,
and, may I just say, it is fucking beautiful.
Like an artist could not sculpt a cock more perfect than this man’s.
In my mouth.
Slapping my face.
(He really liked when I did that.)
The gag at the back of my throat.
Fuck, having someone on your level like that is just
At one point, I sent a prayer of thankfulness up to God,
cause only he could bless me with this ultimate experience.
And so close to my birthday, too.
His sweat smelled good.
He didn’t give two shits about the wet spots.
His sucked on my titties like that were breakfast.
Those fucking lips.
Little dicks are not inherently a problem. They are simply genetics. Those who have penises have no control over
how short or long, small or large they are.
However, knowing what you are working with should motivate your actions
Thus I ended up having an okay time with a guy who had a
small dick. Maybe five inches. Girth was okay.
It was long enough that when he did put it inside of me, it
hit my G-spot just so. The width was enough
to feel it (yup, I’ve had ones I could just barely notice). And he knew what positions maximized his
But the thing that made the evening most worthwhile was his
openness to toys. I brought my
masturbation bag with me just in case.
And thank God I did. It had two
dildos, more condoms, gloves, lube, and other fun accoutrement that we didn’t
get to but possibly in the future could try.
When I showed him all the fun things I’d brought, he immediately
picked up the larger of the two dildos and was more than happy to use it on me.
There was oral, 69, pounding of the dildo into my hole,
dirty talk, biting, and the best rim job I’ve ever had. Note: I didn’t know I liked my asshole licked,
but FUCK YES I love that shit.
He was sweet, constantly saying how beautiful I am and
loving to cuddle in between fucking and sucking sessions.
He let me sleep over, though the thrashing of his body
throughout the night made rest hard to grasp.
He’s a smoker, so my throat is not so happy. Clothes were immediately placed in the hamper
once I got home, and hair will be washed as soon as I’m finished this blog.
~ a poem ~ Everything about him sparked something deep in me.
One summer, on a warm weekend (almost) night, with the smoke from the grill scenting the air, and the boom box busting lyrics I’ve known but heart since middle school, raising everyone up on their feet.
The sway of my family, a gaggle of my cousins, only a few by blood, and folks with more grey in their hair than years in their age, swelled my heart to bursting.
And then he walked in, just as the cookout came to its crescendo. Somehow, as if on cue.
His hips were like water. I, like an acolyte, joined the line of girls those hips found in their sway.
The smell of burnt herb and his body musk lingered after our five second dance. The droplets on his back caught the falling rays of the overdue evening. I licked my lips, holding back my urge to drink them up.
And then the beat dropped, and we all got in our lines ready for the ritual of every joyful gathering before or since. Babies who couldn’t yet walk were held up by their mother or grandmother. This was our community, our communion.
He lined up beside me. I popped my hips a little more, shimmied a little deeper, smiled the whole time.
“Go on, girl,” he hooted. Oh, I will.
After the electric slide, he hands slid to my sides. I popped my hips left, right. I swung my hair side to side, bent all the way over.
And then jumped up and ran to my mother, hoping my whopping would at least wait until after everyone had gone home.
I didn’t care. I sat beside her, looked back at him, and grinned. It was well worth it.
I’ve been feeling introspective as of late. We are in the phase of studying for our big test where we are on our own. Decide your own schedule, completely free.
With this freedom comes the same old emotional demons I’ve been wrestling with since practically conception. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Discounting my accomplishments. Downplaying my awesomeness. Pretty much on brand usual Green Eyes bullshit.
Enter Brain Twin.
Brain Twin has been a bright spot in my current academic marathon. Brain Twin is smart and kind and funny. And, of course, Brain Twin has a girlfriend.
I accept and ignore this fact each time we interact because I both respect their relationship but also like not caring how I act around Brain Twin.
Flash forward to today. Another helpful prep session. Discussions about third and fourth year and planning out career moves. Practice questions reviewed. All the normal highlights.
But then we got off on a tangent about queer healthcare. And Brain Twin’s pansexual friends. And Brain Twin’s girlfriend, who is also pansexual. And in this conversation I am both elated and flattened, because it was yet more confirmation.
Brain Twin checks all my boxes. This is a literal statement. I found a file I named “Ideal Man” which, I shit you not, is basically a description of Brain Twin before I ever met Brain Twin.
So yeah, that.
As our session ended, I made my usual awkward exit, and, somehow, I fumbled out a “we should be friends beyond you helping me for this test” type deal.
Still awkward duckling. Still so painfully lonely. Still wanting what I can’t have.
But distractions are nice. And friends are nice, too.
Grasping onto friendship, cause otherwise I’d scream. Or cry. Or probably both.