It’s 8:30pm and I’m sitting in the Family Room at my home staring at my laptop trying to articulate how off my Dark Odyssey Summer Camp felt, but I am at a loss for words. So, instead of describing the not-rightness of certain moments or the wonky energy floating about, I’m going to point to a basic fact of my stay these past few days.
Save a short snooze this morning, I never slept alone at camp. This fact is not a testament to my slutty prowess, though no one would ever call me a prude. More it is a truth that peppered my life, and only now that I am gone can I fully appreciate how much it meant to me.
My first night at camp was Thursday into Friday. Technically I only purchased the weekend pass, but I knew if I did not leave straight from work and dash up to DO at a ridiculous hour (I arrived at 1:30am), I would not make it Friday until late afternoon. I was having none of that. I wanted desperately to take Mollena’s Green-Eyed Monsters class, which was given at 12pm, and, frankly, I wanted to be with my friends.
Informing Murphy and Slut of my intentions, instead of my plan to sleep in my car, Big Bro arranged to find a spot for cuddling and resting. Being that I had another close friend at DOSC, I informed Graydancer of my intention the day of, while also asking him if he needed any supplies while I was bouncing from Giant to 7-11. Finding his requested Tylenol, he texted me with an offer: whatever time I arrived, as long as all I wanted was sleep, I could slip in with him.
So, the dilemma was set. I care deeply for Gray, but had previous plans with Murphy and Slut. I deferred to Murphy, informing him of Gray’s offer in a text. His response was the expectation of our plans, so I abided, the logic that disappointing two would be much worse than disappointing one.
Of course that is not how things went, my heart crestfallen as I heard the hurt in Gray’s voice when we spoke the next day. Being my subby self, I begged for forgiveness and eventually got it when Gray switched his blame to Big Bro, who then relayed an apology to Gray through me.
Wow, that was suppose to be a short description of a funny anecdote. Meh.
Any who, the first night I spent snuggled up on a LoveSac, the soft squishy center of our pile, naked and bleeding body heat to my two close friends. As introductions to camps go, this was downright perfect. I missed my Big Bro and Little Sis like crazy, and was happy to swirl in our collective love energy that night.
Friday and Saturday were for Gray. He was not in the best emotional head space at camp; everyone could see and all of us tried to make him feel better. Curling up next to him, I hoped my presence was a comfort on those chilly evenings.
Sunday night, our last night, joined five people in the Aftercare room of the Dungeon, sharing the combination of a LovSac and futon to fit us all.
And now, having gone through all that build up, I’ve finally gotten to the crux of why I am typing this. It’s been oh-so-very long since I’ve slept with anyone in my bed on a consistent basis. Four days in a row was a dream, a happy accident brought on by a bitter cold, but also a magical gift to me. The connections I felt with all those with whom I rested are real and lasting. My heart aches for my friends and the distance we must endure until our next rejoining. But, even though I and they hurt, we shared so much in those whee hours of the night.
You can not choose your blood, but you can choose your family. I have chosen them and am so happy to share these special moments of my life with my NYR’s and our pets. Tonight, when I go to sleep, I will hug Tessie tight to my chest, but my body will be remembering the warmth of Gray’s arms as I curled into his embrace, the sweet smell of Little Sis’s hair as I intermittently cuddled my fidgety sleeping friend, and the nuzzling of Murphy’s face against my head.
Tonight I’ll rest, sad that camp has ended, but also thinking, remembering, and cherishing my time with my family.
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