A few things from my day.
It’s Tuesday, which more often then not lately has meant I get to see Doc.
As we talked about the happenings of my past week, my practice of his homework assignments, and things bugging my brain, an interesting topic came up: commitment.
Well, more to the point, my lack of commitment.
I’ve found myself in a freelance job that requires no commitment. I can take on as much or as little work as I want without fear of loosing my position, so long as I do my job well when I am there.
I am not in a relationship, nor are prospects likely that I will be in one anytime soon.
I’ve rented for the entirety of my adult life and actually never want to own a home.
I can trace back all of my non-commitment choices to fear.
I fear opening myself up emotionally to people, keeping most at semi-arm’s length, and thereby shutting out those I could be more with.
I love my job, and my career field, but I’ve chosen to not accept positions that were more stable, many times over, because I feared the shackles of a normal 9-5 work week.
With the housing crisis, and seeing my mother deal with her home, which is paid off, I know I never want to own a house.
Fear of being hurt. Fear of being trapped. Fear of financial collapse. Fear. Fear. Fear.
Doc said the one thing I seemed to be committed to was my lack of commitments.
And then, the second moment of my day occurred.
I held in my arms a tiny human, less than two weeks old, who hiccuped and sneezed and kicked my belly. I held my niece, a new person to this world, for the first time this evening.
She is so so tiny, with tiny fingers and tiny feet and beautiful slate blue eyes.
“Every baby in your arms in the cutest baby in the world.” My gem for the evening.
But she is so very cute.
Holding her, in my lap, in my arms, and against my chest. Feeling her breathing. Feeling this little life in my hands. I damn near cried a few times, though I didn’t let my friends see.
Talk about commitment. My friends have a daughter. A year ago they were trying and now they are parents.
I think back on me telling Doc today the things I wish to accomplish to fulfill my life. Become a published working author. Get married. Have kids.
And I rightly pointed out that my fear of commitment is seriously hampering my hopes, seeing as everything I listed requires the most solid of commitments.
And then I held a tiny human in arms.
And I knew, no matter the fear, no matter the extreme levels of terror and dread, that indeed a family is what I want.
I don’t know when. I don’t know how. But I certainly know it’s what I absolutely want for my life.
Of course how I’m going to get it is another story.
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