“Why do you think I haven’t been in a relationship for as long as you’ve known me?”
“Do you foster trust and intimacy?”
I’ve been going to Doc since April of last year. We’ve talked a lot about my emotions, my attachment style, who I find myself attracted to and why, and what I want from my life.
Recently, while listening to an older episode of Pedestrian Polyamory, in which the hosts were responding to listener mail, the duo gave a piece of sound and poignant advice. They suggested the email writer seek advice from a good friend, going up to them and asking bluntly, wrong-headedly So, what’s up with me? What’s my deal? What’s off? Why did the friend think the email writer was not getting responses on a social dating website.
This got me thinking, as podcasts often do. Maybe I should do this. Maybe I should ask a friend or two what they thought concerning my lack of partners in the time that they’ve known me.
A good number of my now close friends I met through my explosion into the greater public kink scene, which happened after I left my Ex. None of these folks have met my Ex, have never seen me inside of a commited partnered relationship.
When I asked a friend, their response was the question above. Of course that go me thinking deeper.
Trust and intimacy.
From their viewpoint, the way you find yourself in a relationship, the way one starts a relationship the first place, is through the development of trust and intimacy with another. In the time they have known me, they’ve only seen me foster these two important components of a partnership with one person.
Thinking back on the past three years, I could not disagree with them.
As I’ve spoken about with Doc, I have trouble expressing my emotions to others for fear of rejection on basically every level of my life. This has gotten much better since I’ve been speaking with Doc, but the process of therapy is a series of baby steps, small moves. And it hasn’t even been a year yet.
With that in mind, I have yet another goal for myself for this year, one focused soley on my heart.
I will trust others with my intimate thoughts and feelings, believing the people I care for and love will care for and love me back even when I let my guard down, even when I’m not full of smiles and cheer.
I will know that blending in is okay, but being me, and all that entails, is even better.
I will be open, really open, with those around me, even though it’s scary and nervous making.
I will be strong by letting go of my defenses.
I will know, deep in my gut, that I am worthy of my emotions, that they are important and valid and need to be expressed just as much as those of others.
I will foster trust and intimacy in my life.
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