I stopped looking. I stopped trying.
I have barely touched my OKCupid profile, answered messages, or tried to hookup with anyone since meeting OKC boy.
It came to me last night, as I snuggled up in bed, reading a blog before my eyelids shut for the evening: OKC boy is the perfect un-boyfriend.
We have had three “dates”. The first was our initial meeting at a nearby Starbucks. I realized a few things from that two hours of chatting. 1- He’s hot. 2- He’s geektastic. 3- He has an avoidant attachment style, just like me.
Our second “date” involved him visiting my house. He was late (minus five points), but then set out to explain his tardiness as we sat and drank in my living room. His excuse seemed plausible enough.
And then we fucked for three hours. That part was rather pleasant. Oh, who am I kidding. It was awesome. Turns out (shocker) my sexual appetite is greater than his. I wanted to keep fucking after round number four, but he was spent and had other plans for his evening.
Our third “date” actually involved leaving my house. We ate pancakes at a local diner and chatted… before coming back to my home to fuck for a few hours. Once again, the sex was great. And then he left.
I have created the perfect and worst possible situation for myself. I am, on occasion, screwing an incredibly intelligent, attractive, goal oriented guy… who is not interested in a relationship right now.
“Let’s see where things go” in answer to my “I’d like us to be more than friends” was a gentle way of him letting me know all I could expect was sex and laughs. I’m grateful for his half-assed answer.
But now I find myself in the very situation I don’t want to be in, and yet am drawn towards.
I’ve learned from my time with Doc that what is happening, what I’m doing, is hitting all of my anxious avoidant buttons. I was so very nervous when I slipped in my hope as we chatted, naked on a futon bed in the basement. When I heard his answer, I got the hint. Later, when he casually mentioned how focused he was on his career and that he used OKC just for hooking up, I really got the hint.
Since then I’ve barely thought about him other than when are we going to fuck again. But I also haven’t worked towards finding anyone else. I’ve switched from being anxious about what could be with him to being avoidant to the issue at hand: this is not a real relationship.
I’ve put myself in a place I don’t want, again. My emotional energy is going towards someone who is not going to give it back. In a not-at-all-surprising way, I have recreated the situation I saw as love in my house, a mostly absent male figure occasionally dropping in for moments and then leaving.
Why does this keep happening?
1- I’m drawn to distant male figures, either emotionally distant, physically distant, or both.
2- My parents’ example taught me that that was what loves was, longing for the person who isn’t there, taking in the bits of them that they allow you to have, and believing that is okay. (Hint: IT IS NOT OKAY!)
3- Even though it is what I rage against, sometimes I think it’s what I want. Not really want, but what I know. What I’m used to. It’s hard for me to change unless a situation gets to be unbearable. And here I find myself with a hot intelligent not-an-asshole boy ready to fuck me about once every few weeks.
But this is not what I want from a relationship. However, it is what I know, where I’m comfortable, how I’ve lived much of my adult sexual life. Everything in me wants to change this, wants more than just fucking (though I still want the fucking).
I want the chest feelings with the pants feelings. I want a warm body in my bed at night to snuggle me to sleep, and a pillow to nudge my head against when I wake up in the morning. I want a partner to open up to about how scared I am for my mother, how nervous I am about going back to school, how much stuff I want to do with my writing and presenting. I want someone on my side rather than just in between my legs.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want an un-boyfriend. I want a boyfriend.
But how will I ever get what I want when it’s so easy (even when it’s hard) to just stay here.
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