poeticdesires

the life and musings of a kinky slut

Grasping Onto Friendship

I’ve been feeling introspective as of late. We are in the phase of studying for our big test where we are on our own. Decide your own schedule, completely free.

With this freedom comes the same old emotional demons I’ve been wrestling with since practically conception. Am I good enough? Will I succeed? Discounting my accomplishments. Downplaying my awesomeness. Pretty much on brand usual Green Eyes bullshit.

Enter Brain Twin.

Brain Twin has been a bright spot in my current academic marathon. Brain Twin is smart and kind and funny. And, of course, Brain Twin has a girlfriend.

I accept and ignore this fact each time we interact because I both respect their relationship but also like not caring how I act around Brain Twin.

Flash forward to today. Another helpful prep session. Discussions about third and fourth year and planning out career moves. Practice questions reviewed. All the normal highlights.

But then we got off on a tangent about queer healthcare. And Brain Twin’s pansexual friends. And Brain Twin’s girlfriend, who is also pansexual. And in this conversation I am both elated and flattened, because it was yet more confirmation.

Brain Twin checks all my boxes. This is a literal statement. I found a file I named “Ideal Man” which, I shit you not, is basically a description of Brain Twin before I ever met Brain Twin.

So yeah, that.

As our session ended, I made my usual awkward exit, and, somehow, I fumbled out a “we should be friends beyond you helping me for this test” type deal.

Still awkward duckling. Still so painfully lonely. Still wanting what I can’t have.

But distractions are nice. And friends are nice, too.

Grasping onto friendship, cause otherwise I’d scream. Or cry. Or probably both.


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