I spent a couple hours working on secondary applications for medical school today. One of those included the medical school my Dad attended. And then I watched an episode of Madam Secretary where (spoiler alert) her father-in-law dies.

This process of taking classes, studying, doing well, and now applying to med school has been, and continues to be, a mindfuck.

My father was still alive when I first started down this path. Funny enough, it was my mother who was having a health crisis at the time. When I told my Dad about my plan, he was encouraging. I, as is my nature, made assurances I would not need his help financially. I don’t know why it always came back to money, and my insistence that I didn’t need it, when I spoke to him. Wait, I know why. It is always feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. But that is what it is like being the child from an affair. It’s hard to get that shit to not stick.

My Dad passed away in my first semester back at school. I would’ve loved to have had him here as a rock to lean on through this process. But that’s life.

As I crafted my latest set of essays, the theme of family keeps popping up. All the schools asked what I haven’t mentioned yet but they should know when reviewing my application. I talked about my study groups in a more personal way. I wrote about leaning on each other and the emotional support from fellow classmates. I talked about how my life experiences helped me to understand that you need other people to help you through. I mentioned how I plan to do that again in med school.

In reality, this was me talking about my kinky family. I have leaned on them through this process, even though I haven’t been vocal about it. I’m gonna miss folks while I’m gone.

I am still nervous as fuck about this whole process. I’m down to four schools. Of my original six, I missed the deadline for one due to ignorance and my busy life. Another never messaged me after my submitted AMCAS (the universal application sent to every medical school for initial screening). I’m holding out hope I still get a reply from them, but I’m not counting on it.

So, four possible schools. Will I be studying in New Jersey, Philadelphia (two schools there), or Nashville (my Dad’s alma mater)?

Stay tuned…

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