He said he’s thinking about getting back with his old girlfriend.

His playful middle school banter, as of late, wasn’t flirting.

Once again, I feel like shit for hoping for something that’s not gonna happen.

I’m glad I set up a counseling session before today. I was already feeling stress from school. Add on the mountain of loneliness I’m currently carrying around, and yeah, I need to talk to someone about it.

Every day I battle back that voice inside me that says I’ll always be alone, I’ll never be loved, have never been worthy of love.

On days like today, that voice is louder, and it hurts more.

We’re in Psych right now. It’s crazy (poor choice of words) how much I can see of myself in the immature ego defenses (passive aggression, acting out, undoing).

Also how accurate Doc’s diagnosis was of mild Borderline Personality Disorder (fear of abandonment, shifting self image, occasional mood swings, splitting, feelings of emptiness). 

Talking to Doc helped a lot. I hope this new counselor can help too.

Shit, it’s so fucking frustrating. I keep meeting these intelligent attractive men, all of them are cool being friends, but no one wants to be with me. Not fuck me, but be with me. It makes me wanna fucking scream all the time.

I want a partner. I want afternoon snuggles on chilly days and stupid jokes only we get and silly conversations about nothing that matters but it matters to us. I want back rubs as I go to sleep and encouragement to go to the gym and someone to cry with when shit gets hard.

I want my partner.

Where the fuck are you?

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