Alone

I am alone.

The current state of our world necessitated canceling my vacation plans. I have a week to do as I please, but currently, really, I have nothing big to do.

I am broke. The computer I am, right now, typing on took away all of my money until I get my next paycheck at the end of my vacation week.

There are things I can do at home. I have a thousand page novel I have started reading. (Paused on page 102 to type this.)  Plenty of movies and television shows to binge. (Almost finished season two of Too Hot To Handle.) But, ultimately, I am alone.

So much of my current circumstance was unavoidable. Residency is as it is, and I need a laptop to work. People will do as they will and thus we are all living in a slow boring hell of a pandemic.

So here I am tonight, writing.

The positive parts of the situation rest solely in the people around me, the network of friends who keep me centered and keep me sane. I thank God everyday I got to come back home for residency.

Friday night, I made my vision board for the year at a small party with my med school friends. Again, like last year, I opted to draw my vision board. Something about transferring the ideas from my mind to paper felt right. This year’s words are: Confidence, Companionship, Care, and Calm. (Yes, I went with a theme.)

I want to grow in my confidence as a physician and especially as a surgeon. I want to walk into any OR knowing I have the skills to help my patient and trusting in the team around me to get the work done.

As is well known, I want someone in my life. A partner by my side, to give and receive love, to be my rock while I help hold them up, companionship through this crazy reality we are all living. Let’s see who comes into my life this year. (Honest confession: I am scared that I will never find my soulmate, but I’m going to keep trying, fear and all.)

I care about my friends, my family, my patients, my coworkers. I probably care too fucking much. But also, I am cared for and about. I deserve love and affection, attention, ease. Saturday, I spent all day watching animated movies with my friends while eating and drinking and laughing. More of that this year, please.

I want to bring a sense of calm to the people around me, to be a safe harbor for them. I want people to know in me they have love abundant in whatever form they need.

So here we begin 2022, still in a pandemic, and my life dominated by a consuming career that is trying to break me. I refuse to be broken, though. I refuse to allow medicine to consume me whole. Instead, I will grow and become stronger, while remaining a person of light and love in the midst of hardship and darkness. 

Alright, time to learn to be a badass.  2022, let’s do this. 

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