I do this every year, take an inventory of my life and talk about the fun I had on my birthday. With this being a milestone year, I really did it big: a nerdy convention, a Beyonce concert, and five Broadway shows in the span of one week. It was incredible and all I deserved to usher in the next decade of my life. I loved it and will probably be talking about it for the rest of this year because amazing. 

And while the joy has stayed with me since that vacation week, other more not so fun thoughts keep sitting on the surface of my mind. 

This is a milestone year, a huge change from one part of life to the next. Turning 40, while also coinciding with being half way through residency, has me thinking about what I want the next phase of my life to look like.

I have options, opportunities, and people all swimming around in my brain vying for attention. But the rub is I don’t know what I want.

I’ve struggled to decide the path my life will take beyond my job. 

One thing about this career: you start on the ride and it just keeps going. An MD stays an MD pretty much until death. MD’s don’t retire so much as they work less. And I don’t mind that specifically because my career is dedicated to helping people in a political climate keenly focused on stopping me. So my career gets to be a giant FUCK YOU to the people I despise, and I like that. 

But living my life in truth and honesty job wise and politics wise seems so easy, even though from others perspective it is the most difficult. For me, work is work but life is life. And trying to figure out my life is where all the murkiness floats up.

Am I ever going to get married? Maybe… But if I never did, would I be okay with that? 

I enjoy the freedom of single life, of being poly, of doing what I want with whomever I want whenever I want. Navigating the compromise of a committed relationship is at times alluring and daunting. I’m on the apps, and I’ve edited one of my profiles to be completely honest: I have a big brain, a big mouth, and a big ass. None of those things are going to change. Is there someone out there who can handle those disparate parts of me? Appreciate them? Encourage them? Love them? Because I’m not willing to sacrifice me to be the someone you have dreamed of. I’m not willing to lessen myself to make you feel bigger. I suppose I’ve been single this long because I’m not willing to act dumb, be silent, or change my body because of other people’s thoughts or opinions.

Let’s be honest: being single as a woman with modest means has been fun. I have had so many adventures, gotten in interesting circumstances, and have so many stories to tell – so many that I often read back on this blog and think ‘oh right, that did happen.’ Is that life, though not exactly the same, still close to possible with someone committed to me? 

Can I have a child? Do I want a child? 

Sometimes I think about my mother, the life she lived, how in the waning year of her life over and over she would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Though she would never characterize my existence as such, in its essence I was a happy mistake. She got pregnant while dating a married man and decided to keep the child. 

For me growing up, safer sex practices and the availability of contraception gave me the knowledge and freedom to never end up in the same situation. My having a child necessitates intention and choice in ever aspect of the process. I literally know how to start or stop it at every point. But to be brutally honest, a large part of why I’m not a mother is before jumping into this decade of life, I didn’t relish the thought of raising a child alone. I’m making more money now than I have ever in my life, so my finances are finally stable enough that I feel it is responsible to have a child on my own. But again, do I want that? Once you are a parent, you never stop being a parent. Do I want that?

I take responsibility in my work life. I make decisions and just go. Only forward, no turning back, all my effort and will towards meeting the career goal. But with this, my decision whether or not to have a child, I stand at the fork in the road and I keep waffling. Is my indecision my answer?

Pair this with the other parts of my social life and one can only laugh. 

I love attention. Fucking love it. I have this habit of texting multiple people at the same time to increase the odds of engaging in conversation with at least one because I want attention. I want interaction. My most depressed days often coincide with being alone for an extended period of time, especially in the setting of no interaction with anyone. I need people in some doses to feel like me, whether that’s in person or simply texts or calls. 

And so I find myself currently talking or texting or flirting with multiple people, not sure where any of it is going but enjoying the attention of it all. I’m trying to not put any expectations on anyone and just allowing the interactions to be as they are. 

I’m tired of taking the lead on things, tired of nudging things towards what I want because it seems so easy for them to ignore me. So instead, I’m enjoying and periodically ignoring them. Don’t initiate, but absolutely respond. Let them dictate. I’m so tired of games that I’m just not willing to play them any more. You want to talk to me, talk to me. You want to fuck me, then you have to ask for it. This former second or third fiddle is playing for herself from now on.

Karma has a way of laughing in my face at regular intervals. One of my long time and regular roster members has politely asked to step back from our usual calendar of meetups citing life worries. I get it, I truly do, but it could not have come at a more comical time. The last time we fucked was, as per usual, hot and extraordinary. We were vigorous, as is our nature, and it involved an extended period of anal sex leading to one of the best orgasms of my life. However, the recovery from that session has been complicated by a betrayal from my body. Y’all, a bitch has hemorrhoids. We fucked so hard I have hemorrhoids and I’m mad at myself for this, mad that my body has finally started to betray its age, but mostly mad that karma decided to do this now. I suppose then it’s a good thing I will not be fucking him for a while cause my booty hole needs a break. But shit, why do all of the best things in life come with unforeseen consequences?

Conversely, my… Shit I don’t even know what to call this man anymore. Hmm, new name is AAP. (No you don’t get to know what that stands for.) Anyway, AAP asked (via text) to incorporate more sex into our interactions. Mind you, this was not a request on my part. I just wanted to see them more and he brought up sex. He is another person where I feel karma coming for me. I thought about him as a forever person only for him to take a step back, but now he wants to move forward in this particular way and I find myself annoyed. On occasion, he’s been mean spirited towards me, slightly passive aggressive, in a way that doesn’t quite sit right with me and I’ve wondered what I am getting out of the interaction. Where is this ask for more sex coming from? Why do you want to go in this particular direction? I don’t get it. I’m not in a mood to analyze it. And beyond an occasional text, I don’t see it going as he plans. But we’ll see.

I’m talking to this other guy I recently met (so recent that I don’t want to give him a name yet). He is interesting and witty and smart and thoughtful and really everything I want in a partner. But quite frankly I’m hesitant. It’s very fresh, very new. I worry that since it is all so new I can’t put any expectations on what we are or what we could be. I’m open and honest in our interactions, but I’m also realistic in that we just starting talking. And I don’t know what he wants. And I question what I want because it feels too good to be true. And I’m almost holding my breath waiting for a red flag or a disappointment. All I keep thinking is, ‘This is great, but when is he going to tell me he’s not in a place for a relationship or he just wants to have fun without commitment or he doesn’t see me that way.’ Yeah, I self sabotage. I know it. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the ride that has literally just started.

Also, I met a boy at the nerd convention. We’ll call him Sword Fighter. He was cute and charming and we are suppose to get together in a couple weeks to see if there is something there. We had a scene that was incredibly hot (impact, breath play, biting) at the convention, but we didn’t kiss and didn’t fuck. We’ve texted a bit and we mesh on different levels. But he already has multiple partners. And he lives three hours away. So I don’t know what this could be other than maybe some occasional visits and great hookups. Shit, this is me self sabotaging again, isn’t it. Why do I keep doing that?

Okay, enough rambling. Wrapping this up.

I don’t look my age. I actually hope to never look my age. I absolutely don’t feel my age. And I endeavor to never act my age. I’m just going to be me, and see what happens. I’ll keep you posted.

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