It feels kind of shitty to even be writing this; I’m about expound on a problem I know people would love to have. But it’s my fucking blog, so hmph. And yes, I am pouting.
Often, too often, I feel torn between the many people in my life. My family and high school friends live an hour drive away. My niece, my best friend’s daughter, is growing up so quickly, getting bigger every time I see her, saying more and turning into a tiny human. And though we have a connection, I often feel like I’m missing out on her life, not being there for the formative moments of this developing person I love.
My job rocks…and my job sucks. Since I work freelance, I, to a certain degree, choose my own schedule. This allows for huge amounts of freedom when it comes to taking off for big kink events or anything planned out ahead of time. But, and this is a big but, it leaves no flexibility for the spontaneous fun that occurs in any other normal person’s life. My roommates planned a party tonight on a whim just a few days ago, far too short of a notice for me to take off work. By the grace of fate, I am able to attend (once I finish this post), but otherwise I would be working til 1am.
And now that I’m at home, people streaming in for the revelry, I am again torn. I sit on the floor of my bedroom typing, listening to the heaving breathing of two of my friends sleeping. I want nothing more than to curl up and join them. (And, seeing as we all went to bed at 6am, but I woke up at 8:15am for work, I should do just that.) But my mind is racing, remembering that I did not write yesterday, and that I need to write today. And I can hear all the people downstairs laughing and drinking, getting ready to play Kinky Trivial Pursuit. I want to join in on their fun, but what of my cuddle time with the two in my bed, two people who soon will travel away for a few weeks. Should I not cherish these quiet moments with them while I can.
It feels selfish to write this post. Oh, I have so many friends, I just can’t hang out with all of them. But it’s more than that, and I know it. I love so many people, to let any of them down is heartbreaking. Everyday it feels like I am missing important parts of their lives, while also having less of a life than I could because I cannot be with all of them. If I were three people, maybe I would come close to fulfilling all the obligations I’ve taken on (work, family and kink). But I am one, fractured inside by my want to please everyone, so that it feels like I please no one, especially myself.
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