It is hard for me to fully explain the complexity of the 2 hour conversation my SO and I had last night. So, I will cut to the chase: We are good. We are together. We are still an us.
And now, what happened:
I made sure to start the conversation in neutral territory, my car parked outside his home. This gave either of us an easy exit strategy option, which I feel is important when having difficult conversations.
Though I made have picked a good place to start, my choice of introduction was flawed. I tried to immediately cut to the chase, without giving much of an explanation. I said the fundamentals of our relationship needed to change, or, more succinctly, No Sex No Sleepovers. I said I still needed him in my life because he was such a good part of it. I didn’t want to loose that.
He, feeling completely shoved off guard, didn’t understand what this was coming from. I began to explain what I was feeling and why, but he said “Okay, you have made your decision.” This, I thought, was going to be the beginning of his shut down and walk away tendency. Oh, was I wrong.
He began to talk about all he had gone through in his life, from his first sexual encounter (which still effects him today), to his angry youth years, where he had nothing but hatred for the world, and ending in his life now, three years of trying to create his own peace in action and mind. He talked about how he is a better person, what he wants to become, and the path in which he is trying to get there. I was dumbstruck that he spoke so much.
As I interjected here and there, things about our previous conversation were cleared up. I explained to him that I felt I had no choice but to change the nature of our relationship, NOT that I wanted to. I explained I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t give me a full life. I broke down the conversation we had, point by point, to try to make him understand. But it was I who did not fully understand what had happened.
That night, when I brought up marriage and children, to him seemingly out of the blue, he felt pushed and manipulated. He hates that feeling. He thought I was laying down an ultimatum. I thought he was rejecting me. Neither of us got it right.
He said he didn’t want to get married in two years because he would rather us let it come as a natural progression of the relationship. To him, in a long view of us together, he sees us married with a family. But, that night, he couldn’t explain that. He went into reactionary mood and, when he thought I was pushing him, pushed back.
I thought he was killing my hopes for our future. I thought he was telling me the best I could hope for was all that we had now and nothing more. Instead, he wants us to grow together without the pressure of deadlines and need to do’s. He is a go-with-the-flow type guy and wants that for us.
He thought my “ultimatum” and my instance came from a place of “this is what you are suppose to do.” He thought it was peer pressure from my friends, a sort of keeping up with the Jones thinking. I explained to him that my wanting a husband and children had nothing to do with my friends or my past lovers. I want a full life with him, not a half life. My mother never had my father. Her life was less than what she deserved because of the situation she found herself in. I don’t want that. I want a full partner, a full family, a complete life.
I hurt him. He literally said his chest was in pain. It was hard for him to look at me. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t know that he wanted this, why I doubted him. I offered for us to go back to my place and just chill. He said he needed time to think, to ruminate over all that was said, and figure out where to go from here. He got out of the car and said he would call me on Monday, give it the weekend. When the door was closed, I started to ball. Full on snot and tears were streaming down my face. My wails were loud and throaty. I felt I had made possibly the worst mistake of my life. I had unwittingly thrown away the best thing that had happened to me.
And then my phone rang. It was him. He asked me if I wanted to come inside for a little bit. I said yes, and hurried to his front door.
We sat. We talked in the dark of his bedroom. He said he didn’t want me driving the way I was. He said neither I nor Slick, my car, deserved that.
He said that on previous occasions he had just walked away from relationships. He didn’t want to this time. He made a choice. He wants me to stay.
We found a way to make things better. And we’re okay. We had sex last night for the first time in about two weeks. I just couldn’t be that intimate lately because of my conflicting feelings towards us. We laughed while watching stupid tv. And cuddled last night as we slept.
And as he got out of the car for work, we kissed like usual, he told me to drive safe like usual, and I said I would, him waving at me as I spoke, as usual.
This feels right. I’m glad neither of us let it go.
Categorised as: Emotional
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