the life and musings of a kinky slut


“However you do it is how you do it.”

It was my question in the Fish Bowl.

“How/What/Why/Would you commit to full power exchange?”

The five bottoms all faced one another, speaking softly, speaking to only one another. No one was allowed to say anything to them. This was a time for the bottoms to speak.

And then my question was asked.

I’d picked a spot close to them so I could hear. I needed to hear them, needed to hear people who’d done this before talk about it. It was my question they spoke about. It was my question, my burning inquiry, that I was so relieved was actually asked.

“It’s like living without chocolate.”

Later, after the Fish Bowl, another class was added to the Grue schedule, a discussion just on Total Power Exchange, hosted by one of the bottoms from the Fish Bowl. I had to attend.

Only a few people sat in, but they were the people who needed to be there.

Two of the bottoms from the Fish Bowl sat next to each other, physically opening their bodies out towards me. One of the bottoms asked the rest of us who attended what our intentions for the discussion were. The other four people just wanted to listen. I needed to listen, but I also wanted to ask questions. For the most part, we pretended the three people sitting beside me, and the one who’s knee I leaned against, were not there.

The two bottoms, though both in power exchange relationships, had varying experiences. One developed organically while the other set out for a TPE experience.

At first I was nervous to ask them anything. I played with my pen, put my notebook aside, and just listened. Later, when my knee-rest left, and the bottoms had spoken more, I finally got up the courage to talk.

Total Power Exchange scares me, and yet I find myself desiring such an interaction. The fiercely independent side of me keeps screaming, NO! You cannot want this! And yet (similar to how I can’t deny my dominant side, much as my brain would scream that down as well) I cannot deny my longing to submit in such a way, the desire under the deluge that I want to give, and possibly live, in such a manner.

I left both the Fish Bowl and the TPE discussion with more information, which was more than I’d expected from the Grue.

Total Power Exchange has been on my mind for quite some time, both as a fantasy and at the possibility of opening myself up in such a way.

I’m glad I got to discuss it, and I know I need to keep discussing it going forward.

Categorised as: D/s | Grue | London

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