the life and musings of a kinky slut

The Letter Not Sent

Dear Brain Twin,

            You will never read this. 
            I’m writing this letter because it is a way for me to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head without ruining our friendship.
            I like you. 
            No, I more than like you. 
            I’ve more than liked you since the second time we hung out.  You were so kind and so smart, and I didn’t even realize I more than liked you until you were walking me outside to my car and it hit me that you made me smile for the past two hours and I wanted more time like that with you in my life.
            I asked my friend if you had a girlfriend.  She found out that you did, and thus dashed my hope for anything more than friendship with you, but I accepted it because you are one of the best men I have ever known.
            We exchanged poems, and talked about queer healthcare, and challenged and uplifted each other this past year.  
            There is a reason why I call you Brain Twin; we think a lot alike.  It is why I know I can’t do anything to jeopardize your happiness. 
            I know you are happy.  I can see it in the way you smile on Instagram with your girlfriend beside you.
            I thought about saying these things to you in what may be the last time I ever see you, ostensibly a double-stuffed Oreo delivery. 
            But even if it is the last time we speak, I would feel worse if these were the last words you heard from me.
            Instead, I’ll probably just joke about crashing on your couch sometime next year for aways.  I’ll probably look nice and smile a grin that hurts.
            But I’ll stand six feet away, and I won’t be that girl who ruins a friendship because I let my selfish emotions overcome the genuine affection I have for you as a person, the good man that you are.
            So instead I write this letter, and say the things I can’t say to you:

“I’ve liked you
for almost as long as I’ve known you,
and I don’t know if the feeling is mutual,
but if you’re ever not in a relationship,
I’d want to give this a try
because when I think of you
I can’t help but smile
til my face hurts.”

Bye Brain Twin, and good luck with your future.  
I know it will be a bright one.

4.19.2020 The Letter Not Sent

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